Mother’s Day — Why I never became one

Image created by Caryn Morgan May 2017 with Canva

Every Mother’s day I hear of women who did not become mothers, some by choice and others by life circumstances, where churches and communities somehow reduce their quality as a woman because of their lack of reproduction. I see this as very sad and short sighted.

I used to think like many others that it was my “duty” to reproduce to offset the number of less than worthy citizens in the society to raise a thinking and responsible citizen. Reproduction does not guarantee that. Even when given every opportunity and resource, some people will just be a suck on society. Conversely, others born into some of the worst circumstances will make huge contributions to our world.

This may fall into the TMI (too much information) category but ever since my first period, I have had dysmenorrhea, otherwise know as really bad cramps. I was to the point I was ready to have a hysterectomy in my 20’s to make it stop. About every 21 days I was pretty much useless because my entire body hurt so much I couldn’t even stand.

In 1996 I had my first surgery where my doctor found so much scarring in my abdominal cavity that my endometriosis was most likely there before puberty. I share all this to show that had I decided I wanted children conceiving one would likely have been very difficult.

Physical issues aside, I never had the “pang” for kids. I never ooo’d and ahh’d over baby clothes. When my friends had children, I cooed over them but never felt the pull that I wanted one of my own. To me, children were just little humans that required too much attention and time. The sound of a child crying or the scream of a toddler, or child, was like nails on a blackboard to me.

I cannot tell you how many times people said to me “you will change your mind.” “It is different when it is yours.” “It is the greatest experience ever, why wouldn’t you want that?”

First of all, there are plenty of people in this world. My having a child is not required to keep up the population.

If I ever felt the need to give back to the next generation, I can mentor a teenager, adopt or foster a child, or help a young parent.

My 20’s were difficult struggling with those who were sure I would want to have children, my false perception that I had some responsibility to have a child, and my hating the amount of pain I was in ever 21 days.

In my 30’s I started telling the pushy people who asked me when I was going to have children that I couldn’t have children. Sure, it made them feel badly but it shut down the conversation and stopped them from asking again.

Finally, in my 40’s people stopped asking. Except one neighbor joyously remarked that she hoped that I came home pregnant after a cruise trip. Clearly never having any consideration for my desire, or not, to have children.

I am sure, that put into the situation I would have stepped up to the plate and done the job of parenting fine. I just never wanted to do it. I had no desire to change my life and lifestyle. I like the life I live with my husband and cats. I am a mother of my pets, my ideas, and my life.


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