When life starts to go wrong it is like a chain reaction. Instead of a new door opening when an old door shuts, life becomes more like Jenga. You pull out a piece and the tower stays standing, pull out a few more and it wobbles and then there is that one fucking piece- the last thing that was holding everything up and if someone rips that fucker out then the whole goddamn thing collapses.
You would think that the one last thing to destroy your life would be a big thing. But its not. The big thing is usually the first piece that comes out- like a job loss or an illness.
But the thing that really destroys you is usually a small but important thing. For me it was when my computer broke. My laptop fell off a table. Not an unusual thing to happen, not a life altering crisis… unless you are broke. With no money I can’t buy a new one, no credit card to charge it, nobody that I can borrow from, and now- no way to earn more money or even apply for a fucking job.
The thing is- I know that getting a new computer is possible, there has to be a reasonable way to do it but my ability to find reasonable ways to do things seems to have disappeared. I feel like I have already tried too many times, even though I know that “trying” is something that needs to keep happening until you get your shit worked out.
I have heard people call it depression, or learned helplessness. I suppose in the common way of pithy prose I should end this on an upbeat note- but I won’t. It is the middle of the night and I am going to take an ambien, go back to bed and watch Shameless until I pass out.