I am eternally grateful to my pussy for providing me all the pleasure I would ever need… but I didn’t always feel this way.

In fact, I never understood the pleasure in self-pleasure, even though I was quite fond of it. Every time I decided to pleasure myself, I felt dirty, like I was doing something awful and bad to my body. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing. Most of the time I would find myself in the shower, closing my eyes, touching myself vigorously until I found a quick relief. I would go on about my day pretending that it never happened, completely cutting myself off from the bliss I could have been enjoying. When I look back on those days, I can hardly recognize that woman. How could I possibly hate my body so much, especially the part of me that brings so much life? I was deeply ashamed to touch my vulva in a pleasurable way or even look at it. I found myself looking at my vulva only when something was wrong, which caused me to associate it with fear instead of love and pleasure.

I saw my body as gross, and something to be shameful of. Every time I desired to be touched in a sensual and sexual way, I would depend on my partner to provide me with the sexual self-confidence and self-esteem that I was incapable of providing myself. The problem with this was, I was making them responsible for my orgasm and my pleasure. This caused a huge disconnect with my body, I saw my partner, or sometimes men in general, holding the keys to my very own kingdom. On several occasions, I depended on my partner to provide me with pleasure and if it didn’t happen, I thought there was something wrong with me. More often than not I would leave our lovemaking session feeling unsatisfied and felt deep guilt for doing so.

So often we expect our partner to know how to please us, to figure out what feels good, and what gets our body started. This is a great responsibility we have placed upon them, one that honestly doesn’t belong to them. If you’re unwilling to explore your own body with passion and fervor, how do you expect your partner to do the same? Either they’re going to use moves that worked for other women, or moves that have allowed them to experience their own pleasure. If you are unable to explain to them what feels good, and what doesn’t, you’ll never leave your sessions satisfied.

When I finally came to the realization that I was tired of having mediocre sex with someone I deeply loved and care about, I realized it was high time for me to take full responsibility for my own sexual growth, which meant I had to learn about my body and how it worked. Being disconnected from my body was no longer an option, feeling shame about my body was no longer an option, and feeling guilty about my sexuality was definitely not an option. It was time for a change, and I was willing to do anything to heal my relationship with my body, and especially the one with my vulva.

First I wanted to understand the source of my guilt and shame. This was the most difficult part because I was afraid of what I might find. But the more I inquired the more I began to realize that my guilt and shame was not my own, I was taught to feel shame and guilt by my religion, and my elders. I was taught that sex was bad, and was only good between man and wife. I was taught that any sexual desire outside of marriage was shameful and looked upon as evil. I was taught that touching yourself was a sin. I internalized all of these lessons and made my natural, God-given sexuality a sin. No wonder I wanted to disassociate from the very thing that was causing me sexual desire. Once I got clear about the origin of my guilt and shame, I was able to heal it. Now I believe that my body is sacred, that my desires are pure, that sex can be a direct channel to the divine, and when two consenting adults choose to express their love or passion on a physical level, which is more than ok it’s fucking awesome!!

I also took it upon myself to learn about what turned me on, and understand what makes my body go boom! With this, I had to understand my sexual anatomy. No one teaches this in school, which to me is a shame. If children were properly taught about their anatomy, they would be able to have a deeper understanding and reverence for their bodies. It’s kind of hard to respect something that you don’t understand or is taught from a place of disgust and danger. It starts with calling the Vulva exactly that, a Vulva. It’s not a vagina; the vagina only references the inside of the reproductive system. We could also teach young women that their clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, and is the only body part that is purely there for their pleasure. This means, that they don’t have to engage in penetrative sex in order to feel pleasure. The more I understood the inner workings of my body; I was able to explore my body in a more conscious way. Taking note of what felt good, and what didn’t, which gave me the knowledge and the confidence to relay this information to my husband, which created clarity during our lovemaking. I realized being more connected to my body, led to a deeper connection and intimacy with my partner.

The more I understood my body, the more I was able to enjoy self-pleasuring myself, which led to better sex with my partner. I could teach him how to play the beautiful instrument that is my body because I myself new the ins and outs of how to orchestrate a beautiful concerto. If you desire deeper, conscious, connected sex with your partner, self-pleasure is a must. If you’re uncomfortable touching your body, how could you possibly enjoy the hands of someone else intimately touching your body? If you don’t feel safe in your body, how could you possibly feel truly safe making love with your partner? Sure, you could mechanically go through the motions, but would you rather make love like a robot, or a gorgeous, whole, sex Goddess? I vote for the latter. I’m not going to lie, it’s not an easy 1, 2, 3 process, it takes time, patience, and work to become fully connected to your body, but once you do there is no turning back. Not only will your sex life change, but also your entire being will transform. Creating a healthy connected, and frequent self-pleasure practice changed my life, and it can do the same for yours.