Become A Morning Person in 7 Easy Steps

I noticed virtually all the Productivity posts on here are tips about how to do mornings. Here are mine!

1. Drink lots of water. It is hard to sleep when you are thirsty. Same for hunger and food.
2. Give up on work once it gets dark out. Tell yourself you can do everything tomorrow. Go to bed.
3. When you next wake up, immediately start worrying about something. Ideally it’s something objectively serious, but something trivial that you blow out of proportion works too. Does someone hate you? Did you make a mistake in your past? Is there something you are going to fail at in the future? Is there a failure you haven’t yet acknowledged even though the circumstances that make failure inevitable have already come to pass? Does no one love you? The people who love you — do they really love you? Are bad things happening in your life the circumstances of which are beyond your control? Is climate change happening? I’ll answer that for you, it is? Allow the inevitability of death and the unstoppable march of time to press in on all sides of your head and body until it feels like you’ve been vacuum-sealed inside a block of concrete. Fixate on this feeling and wait until it consumes your entire consciousness and millions of questions boil over in your mind and you feel so strangled that if you don’t move you will die, such that you don’t even notice you’re sitting bolt upright in bed, getting out of bed, making the bed. It’s good if this happens at 7AM, but it’s best if it happens at 3 or 4AM so you can really get a jump on your day.
4. Do not address any of the things you were worried about. Make plans to address them, maybe do them a little bit, but not too much. Do not, under any circumstances, reach a point of completion or emotional closure.
5. Sit at your desk and let the exhaustion wash over you. You are too tired to execute these plans today. Revisit the plan and tweak it, add a few more to-dos. Break the small tasks into smaller pieces, and assign them all to yourself for tomorrow.
6. Go to bed early.
7. Repeat.