20 on the 20

20 Random Thoughts on September 20th


  1. It’s a bit arcane but the phrase “that rubs me the wrong way” is really, really weird if you think about it. If something rubs you the wrong way, then the opposite would rub you the right way, right? “I really love your, uncle. That guy just rubs me the right way.” “OK, well, what if we made the logo a bit bigger and had a more race-ambiguous family, would that rub you the right way, Bob?”
  2. Tai Chi must be Chinese for “look stupid in a park.”
  3. Green technology is like yoga pants: everybody wins.
  4. Freshly-washed jeans: making us feel bad about ourselves since whenever dryers were invented.
  5. Whenever I’m in a lake or swim in a pool at night, 92% of my brain is thinking: that’s absurd. You’re a grownup. Your four-year-old boy can do this, why are you being such a headcase? The other 8% of my brain is thinking: there’s a shark in here and I’m definitely going to die.
  6. I don’t know if we have different sizes and different names for our ear holes, but if we did, mine would definitely be “non earbud shaped.”
  7. My mattress is like my kids: I often wonder if I’m biased because I think that mine is the greatest ever but then I travel and know that I’m right.
  8. I am a devout blasephemist.
  9. The fundamental problem with the gun-control debate is that both sides are fueled by the same things. When something horrible happens, the proliferation of which is astounding, the gun control side says, “You see? This is why we need gun control, to protect us from these whackos.” In reaction to that very same event, the NRA and its supporters say, “You see? This is why we need our guns, to protect us from these whackos.” I have no idea how we ever get past that.
  10. If you ask a scientist, they’ll give you phylum and genome; if you ask a zoologist, they’ll give you social behavior and diet; if you ask a kid, they’ll talk about the stripes; so let me ask the question more directly: what the fuck are zebras?
  11. The notion that talking positively about or even acknowledging homosexuality in schools will encourage kids to be gay is like saying that showing Finding Nemo will encourage them to be fish.
  12. I love, love, LOVE coffee but nine out of ten times I’m just slogging it down so that I can speak kid at 6:12am or to avoid pinballing into other cars on my morning commute. I wonder if that’s what sex addiction feels like.
  13. I hate the look of a shirt tucked into jeans without a belt so much that it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Growing up in the 80s was obviously a traumatic experience.
  14. There are two types of people at the gym: the people who look natural and athletic doing burpees and the people who hate those people.
  15. We’ve had the Internet and email for like 20 solid years now and while it’s changed immeasurably in that time one thing has remained constant: there’s an overwhelming amount of options if you’re not satisfied with the size of your penis. Ever click on the junk folder in gmail? It is rotten with dick growing opportunities. How is that “business” still (ahem) growing? Dick spam is like Snoop Dogg’s cool factor: 20 years later and they’re both still ascending.
  16. I wouldn’t say that I’m getting sweatier as I get older it’s just that the sweat is being distributed more widely than ever before. When I was 20, the biggest concern was the pit out. At 36, that threat has been joined by the foot out, the butt out, the lower back out, the back of the knee out and the balls out.
  17. “The best part about weekends is that food and drinks don’t have calories,” thought everyone ever.
  18. “I would put my garbage, recycling and compostable items in the right bins if you weren’t so uppity about it,” thought only me.
  19. So there’s slut shaming. Then you have the people who shame the people who are slut shaming. Then you have the people who shame the people who are shaming the slut shamers which I guess would be shame shame shamers. Are we sure Twitter was a good idea?
  20. I’m 36. I have a mortgage; a marriage; two kids; a job; a 401K; a beard-ish beard; and a soon-to-be-very-decent garden, but it still blows my mind that I can have a cookie whenever I feel like it.