35 Things I’m Thinking About Now That I’m 35

1. It’s incredible how your standards get systemically lowered as you get older. When I was 20, I wanted to look good naked. When I was 25, I wanted to look good with my shirt off. When I was 30, I wanted to look good in a T shirt. At 35? I’m excited if someone recognizes that I’m a mammal.
2. I’ve lived my whole life knowing that I’m either one of the smartest of the dumb people or one of the dumbest of the smart people. I vacillate between the two depending on how many stains I find on my pants.
3. My twenties were about exploration and excess. My thirties are about maximization. Time is precious at any age, but in my thirties, I literally have about 5 hours a week for entertainment/talking and can’t afford to waste a minute on something/someone I don’t or might not like.
4. Having a good “situation” is equally as important as having a good “job.” Having a job you like is critical, but it’s the stuff that surrounds it — family-friendly bosses and policies, for example — that gets more important as you get older.
5. Quitting is one of the secret benefits / pleasures of being an adult. Don’t like a book? Throw it away. Don’t like the movie you just rented? Turn it off. Thought you’d like fill-in-the-blank hobby but don’t? Fuck you, fill-in-the-blank hobby. Life is way too short for bad books, jobs, friends and wine. Just get new ones or spend more time with old ones.
6. My requirements / standards for politicians get less complicated every year. Basically I just vote for the person that creeps me out the least. If “Yes We Can” taught me anything, it’s not to pay attention to what a politician says or promises becasue everything will change once they get to Washington and start working within a broken system. Decide who is less creepy and vote for that person.
7. Ikea = Old Navy and Old Navy = Ikea. Most of the stuff falls apart after 1-2 years but every now and then you get that one desk or T-shirt that inexplicably lasts forever.
8. My dad, a wine expert, always says that food and wine pairings are overrated. A wine you really like will go great with a food you really like. I feel the same way about the gym and workout routines. Do whatever the hell you feel like doing that day, just do something.
9. Of all the high-profile, high-paying jobs, doesn’t it feel like being a dentist would be the easiest to fake for a day? “Teeth look good. Maybe brush for a little longer, huh? Oh, looks like you’ve got a little build up on your R8 nimbus. Nothing to worry about. Maybe floss under your gums a bit more, OK? OK.”
10. Parallel parking is like sex; the opportunities became rarer once you move to the suburbs, but you need to be ready at a moment’s notice. If you’ve been circling for a while and a spot opens, you need to be able to slide in without a moment’s hesitation. The same goes for parking.
11. I don’t think we use the word “bungle” enough. Great word. We are literally bungling our use of bungle.
12. I’m 35, have two kids, a mortgage, recently traded in my board shorts for “trunks” and very happily drive a VW Rabbit; I guess my lifelong dream of being labelled a street tough is officially dead.
13. I’ve been open to spirituality and the divine my whole life but it’s just never really happened for me. With that said, sticking to these three principles has served me pretty well so far: be nice to everyone until they don’t deserve it; love and commit 100% to your family; trust your instincts and if something feels right or wrong it probably is.
14. When you’re waiting for an email and you get an email that’s not that email it’s amazing how much you can hate that email.
15. My geography is basically reduced to three areas: places I want to visit; places I’d be open to visiting but are further down the list; places I never want to visit.
16. The key to life is forgiveness. Forgive yourself; forgive your family; forgive your friends; forgive and move on.
17. Yes, I’m older, fatter, slower, dumber, hairier and lazier, but on the bright side my ability to time farts with urinal flushes has elevated to an art form.
18. I think it’s fair to say that I’m going to live my entire life without ever riding a motorcycle, jumping out of an airplane, staying at a hostel, going shark cage diving, giving a hand job or eating sushi from 7–11. I’m fine with that.
19. I wonder who would win if Apple store employees squared off against Whole Foods employees in a “we are caricatures of ourselves” contest?
20. “Sorry for the delay in my response. I was looking for a fuck to give. Well I found that fuck, so let me address each of your points”…thought everyone on the planet when responding to “that” email.
21. Since alcohol is a depressant, shouldn’t we call it getting fucked down?
22. Life is about the one thing. You find your one thing and prioritize it over everything else. For some it’s money; others its work or their art; some prioritize their looks or appearance. For me (and I’m not alone here) it’s my family. My wife, my kids, my family and my friends represent my one thing. It seems that when people struggle, it’s becasue they didn’t have a one thing, or let extraneous things get in the way of it. Find your one thing and give it all you’ve got. And, yes, I plagiarized most of that from City Slickers.
23. I recently sent a fork back at a restaurant becasue it was too small. That’s a life highlight and lowlight at the same time.
24. The fundamental problem with the American media, and to a lesser extent, America, is that we focus too much on what happened and not why. Whether it’s Ray Rice, Robin Williams, Sandy Hook or 9/11, we get fixated on the details, while obfuscating, or worse, ignoring the causes and ramifications. We dissect, dissect, dissect to the point where CNN is analyzing the Ray Rice video like it’s the fucking Zapruder film. What we should really be asking is why did this happen? And how can we prevent it from happening again? Oh, and also:
25. Child abuse should be a capital offense. Our legal system is a jumbled maze of subjective nonsense, how about common sense? The fucking monster that left his kid in the hot car in Georgia? That guy should be beheaded. If he can prove without a shadow of a doubt that it was an accident then we should behead him, sew that shit back on and cut that shit the fuck off again. Anyone that cruel should be killed. Anyone that dumb should be killed twice.
26. Cleaning my windshield at a gas station with the community squeegee is the closest I’ll ever get to going to a whorehouse.
27. Doesn’t it always seem like the most dangerous drivers are either in cars that cost $75,000 or more or $2,200 or less? It’s either, “fuck you, Beamer” or “fuck you, 87 Nissan,” with basically no in between.
28. Once a year you should be allowed to reply “fuck off” to an internal email. You can’t reply all and the person can’t respond. You send that note directly while also copying a blind “fuckoffemail@company.com” so that HR knows you’ve used your privilege and can also track who’s receiving the most fuck off requests. This would be cathartic and instructive at the same time.
29. I’m very comfortably into the “hey, thanks for asking” joke-when- someone-asks-for-my-ID phase of my life.
30. 35 doesn’t feel old to me at all. Having two kids doesn’t make me feel old. Having a mortgage, and life insurance and a 401K doesn’t make me feel old. Going to be bed at 10pm but secretly wishing I’d gone to bed at 9pm doesn’t make me feel old. Watching the VMAs and not knowing any of the performers doesn’t make me feel old. But there’s something about entering my vitals on the elliptical and not having to adjust the age — 35 is the preset age — that really, really bugs me.
31. Let me be the 9oo billionth male to ask this question: why am I getting hair on my ears? What evolutionary purpose does this serve? Were older Neanderthal males prone to upper-ear freezing? Hey, Darwin, can you help a brother out here?
32. At this stage in my life, with my drug days long behind me, one of the nicest buzzes I get is using a big word successfully in casual conversation. I dropped opacity yesterday and had a nice charge for the rest of the day. And yes, this was as depressing to write as it is for you to read.
33. We’ve got caffeinated and we’ve got decaffeinated but what we really need is uncaffeinated which is the coffee you can drink when you’ve had way too much caffeine but you’re in a groove and drinking coffee is part of the groove and you don’t want to lose the groove but you definitely have had too much caffeine so what you need is a coffee that will actually lower your caffeine level while keeping the groove while keeping the coffee going as part of the groove.
34. Do you ever notice that the guys who are getting better looking as they get older are never great at speling?
35. At this stage, it’s natural to start wondering if this could be the halfway point. I mean, how much of this story is there left to tell? The key is to not let big overarching questions like that dull the enjoyment. It’s been a helluva ride and I’ll take whatever or however much more I can get. No matter what else happens, Game of Thrones is a fucking great show and I can’t wait for next season.

Thanks for reading.

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