It’s a Little Bit Funny, This Feeling Inside.
When Socio really started to reveal himself — I recall feeling many things stuck, sad, wrong, overwhelmed, emotionally depleted, de-valued, trapped, unloved and very very tired. It wasn’t just what I was feeling but I also took on how he must be feeling — I displaced my own feelings and was more concerned about him. It was always about him. Always.
I had many conversations with myself, believing at the time that he was bi-polar, like “I made a commitment to him and to our relationship. I will never leave him” “He’s sick, poor baby, he needs me” I had accepted that it would never be ideal and that was okay I could handle it. It wasn’t all that bad. The main theme was “it’s all okay.” I held on looking for an indication of how I was going to be able to stay in the relationship when it was so difficult and the way he treated me, he couldn’t possibly even like me most of the time, if at all. It was as if he knew when he had pushed me too far and he would quickly reframe himself to be the person I thought I loved and wanted to be with for always. He couldn’t manage it for long though — being that person that I loved — maybe a week, maybe a month tops with some cracking and unraveling in between.
Today I think about how I feel now that he isn’t in my life in any way and compare it to how I felt back then. I’ve removed him through no contact, eliminated any and everything that reminds me of him whether photos or gifts because nothing about them feels true or holds the same specialness that I believed in. I literally left all furniture and housewares taking nothing that represented the life that we shared, no not shared, the life that we mistakenly had together.
So about the funny feeling… I’m Happy. Yes, completely and entirely happy. Happy! Happy! Happy! Everything and I mean everything in my life has changed and unfolded beautifully. It was not easy. There was much I didn’t like but it absolutely did not take away my happy. Happy for freedom from a toxic person and situation, happy (and proud) that I am able to navigate my own life without self doubt and negativity undermining me at every turn. No worries over a mood, or perceived slight or focused anger directed at me. #PureHappy
Funny, I thought — with such a terrible situation and all the difficult and painful changes I had to make to move forward while also mourning the loss of a relationship with a person I thought I knew and now recognize I didn’t nor did he know me or even love me and that’s sad and unfortunate to fully understand. I try to remember when we were happy together and if we ever really were. I push my memories to fade to no longer be filled with any of what I thought were the good times or filled with the many, too many, bad times. That feels nice to be able to edit him and our time together from my memory focusing not on the number of years that I allowed him to de-value me and take my happiness.
For some odd reason I think of Tina Turner — What’s Love Got to Do With It and that reminds me of Socio — love had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship yet Love was what I gave, Love is what I had to invest, Love is what I am. No longer giving Love to someone who could never understand or feel it — is a relief. I don’t always, every day, feel okay about it but I am happy that I now know goodness would have never been possible with Socio so I don’t have to try and bring the love to something or someone who doesn’t know what loves got to do with it. That makes me Happy.
In Happy We Trust.