The Problem with Boys Will Be Boys
Boys will be boys is a damaging phrase, that is used as an excuse far too often. Do boys act a specific way based on their gender? There is no predefined way for someone to act based on their gender, that is biologically. Sure, there are various physical features that are slightly different, but those differences aren’t drastic. I say there is no predefined way for people to act biologically because it is true. However, it is not true when we look at it societally. There most certainly is a predefined lifestyle for men and women. Lately people have been saying the gender on the birth certificate is irrelevant because gender is fluid and people can choose which gender they wish to identify as. This is not necessarily what this piece is about, but it is a nice segway.
Transgenderism is a relatively new concept, or at least a newly accepted one at that. In the wake of the new found acceptance, people have called into question what it means to be of a gender. What does it mean to be a girl? What does it mean to be a boy? As it turns out, there are many boxes surrounding us, challenging those who are just a little different. Societal norms trap people into becoming what they’re expected to be, not what they want to be.
“Boys will be boys” is a saying that has been thrown around a lot. Your son got into a fight? Boys will be boys. Your son is hurting those around him, both physically and verbally? Boys will be boys. It seems that whenever there’s an instance of “playful” violence or rough housing that went too far (with boys, of course), the answer Is always “boys will be boys”.
Conflict is normal when growing up, it’s just something that happens. Kids will get into fights and arguments, there is nothing necessarily wrong with that, it’s just what happens. It becomes problematic when people attribute the violent or bad behavior of boys with the simple fact of them just being boys. Teaching young boys that it is normal or even expected of them to be aggressive is not healthy. That mentality will carry on over through life. When boys think they can do anything because they’re boys, we get problems. This mentality gives boys the idea that they can do as they please because they’re boys. Girls don’t have this. This is where the of hyper-masculine-macho-man comes from. He’s better than her. Or at least he thinks he is.
Because of this sense of being better, the standard, many boys think they’re entitled to a girl’s body or time. Because he is seen as “better” societally he seeks out his females prey expecting them to willingly accept him because he is better than her. Boys have this predatory nature to go out and get girls by whatever means necessary.
A great example of this problematic nature is this example of events that took place at a preschool, detailed in a Huffington Post article published in 2013. A girl was trying to build a castle out of blocks. A boy repeatedly destroyed it without asking for her consent. He just destroyed it. When the mom of the girl approached the parents of the boy to try and stop this from happening, they simply said things around the lines of “He just can’t help it” or “Boys will be boys” or “boys just need to break things sometimes”. None of those excuses teach that boy anything. The article also mentions another boy, a boy who asks if he can destroy the castle. The girl says yes, but only after she’s completed her castle. After the castle’s completion, they destroyed it together and had a blast.
The author labeled this the “preschool equivalent of consent”. I would have to agree. It may not be about sex, and it may be corny, but the message is clear and present: Ask for consent, and if consent is granted go through with it. If it is not granted, STOP.
In instances of sexual assault or harassment or abuse, boys will be boys is usually thrown in there somewhere. Those who say this in response make it sound like men just can’t help it. This is why the “what were you wearing” question is so terrible. A girl’s outfit is not her consent. Men should, and can, leave women be if they’re wearing a revealing outfit. Men can help it. We can’t excuse this excuse. Men can help themselves and they can be nice. They can ask for consent. They can be loving.
Brock Turner was a student at Stanford university. He was on the swim team. He was accused, tried in a court of law, and found guilty of sexually violating a girl. He was sentenced to a mere six months jail time (he only served three months). The judge didn’t give him that harsh of a sentence, as not to damage his future too much (talk about white privileged). All the people who defended him said “boys will be boys”. Turner’s father begged the question on why people were accusing his son of this, when all his son did was “get a piece of action”. Brock Turner is a boy, obviously he didn’t know any better. Obviously. No. The “boys will be boys” mentality goes farther than just “friendly” playground rivalries and violence. It promotes rape culture.
The phenomenon known as rape culture spreads it’s wings all around the world. It is everywhere, but it is most prevalent in the United States. An organization called SlutWalk, which was formed to combat rape culture defines rape culture as a culture where “sexual violence is both made to be invisible and inevitable”. Basically, boys are just expected to violate girls, but they’re not really violating them because it stays hidden and the boys don’t know any better. Obviously that excuse (which isn’t really an excuse because they do know better) is completely illogical and doesn’t excuse anything.
If a boy does something to a girl, something she did not want happening, and this girl believes it’s fine because he was a boy. When this happens, why would the girl seek help or press charges? She’s been led to believe this behavior is acceptable and expectable. THIS is how the world works. That’s not right at all, and that’s quite saddening. That is not how it is, or should be.
Rape culture continues to exist because of those who doubt it’s existence. Those who deny it’s existence are typically Christian. I got that bit of information from the Shiloh Project. The tagline to their website is “rape culture, religion, and the bible”. It is obvious they have seen this problem and are trying to fix it. I applaud that. Rape culture is very prevalent in the church. The church creates a system where this behavior is expected from boys, and girls should just sit and watch. In the Bible, men are designed to be the “leaders of the home and church”.
Of course these boys can get away with anything. Every system of law, spiritual or judiciary, has a leniency to this behavior. It isn’t seen as being that bad, but it is bad.
It is fun to fight your friends, rough house, play with nerf guns, play sports, watch action movies etc. I am obviously just stereotyping all boys with a list of things boys are supposed to enjoy, I realize that. Not every boy enjoys these things, and they’re not gender exclusive. Girls can play with nerf guns. The statement “boys will be boys” comes from gender norms. One cannot find any positives in “boys will be boys”. It’s a saying that excuses illegal behavior. How does one refute “boys will be boys” and rape culture? You can’t. This is a real problem that has been plaguing us for sometime.
The refutation to “boys will be boys” is the “raise boys and girls the same” movement. Raise your kids well, so that they have a good, strong, character. Their muscles and athletic performance does not matter. If you’re a boy you shouldn’t be expected to play a sport, and if you’re a girl you shouldn’t be expected to wear a dress. That is wrong to expect that.
The boys will be boys mentality is not a good mentality, in fact it is quite damaging. It further enforces gender norms, which constrict individualism, and promotes rape culture. When people reason that the only reason this boy acted the way he did was because he was a boy, it creates this sense of leniency. He can get away with anything, free of consequences. Nothing good has, or will ever come from it. It is completely negative in every regard.
Bibliography:
Chemaly, Soraya. “The Problem with ‘Boys Will Be Boys’.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 6 May 2013
Hicks, Jennifer. “Stop Saying ‘Boys Will Be Boys’.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 16 Oct. 2014
Maxwell, Zerlina. “Rape Culture Is Real.” Time
“Rape Culture in the Christian Church.” Shiloh Project, 19 June 2017
Strandberg, Selena. “Boys Will Be Boys: The Uncomfortable Truth About Trump, America and Women.” Observer, Observer, 19 Oct. 2016
Seshadri, Sai Sailaja. “‘Boys Will Be Boys’ Is An Excuse Used Around The World That Needs To Be Destroyed.” Thought Catalog, Thought Catalog, 23 Dec. 2016
The Release of Brock Turner and ‘Boys Will Be Boys.’” CBE International, CBE International
