The Stunning Simplicity of Depression, aka why I can’t get a damn thing done

Earlier today I was speaking with my pink friend, Crista Anne, about the predicament I find myself in of late.

I’m supposed to be writing and instead I created a new OKC account and lined up four dates for the next three days. What the hell is wrong with me that I’m so avoidant of this thing that I love? It’s like I’m scared of it.

Hi, are you me right now? cause that sounds exactly like my day and what I am asking myself

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Depression

True, but it’s such an “easy” answer. It’s just a little word and as such I should be able to power through it. “Depression” in no way clarifies how fucking hard this is.

“Depression” can read too much like a little hollow in the ground that provides a tiny jolt as you ride over it — something easy to pass over and then forget about. It doesn’t read like an enormous sinkhole that eats your entire mode of transportation, swallowing your literal and figurative drive. It doesn’t read like you would require an emergency crew of first responders to get yourself out. It doesn’t read like it could be deadly.

My brain is down a sinkhole. Therapy and medication and good old gumption aren’t working to get me out on a permanent basis. I start the climb (or sometimes, the drag) of getting back up, only to slip back down into it. It’s a murky place, this sinkhole. There’s no clear thinking and everything is second-guessed. The sinkhole pulls like quicksand. Attempting to not sink to the bottom is an exhausting full-time struggle. It seems as though all I can really do is sleep and subject myself to mindless distraction. Putting these thoughts together to get them down in a somewhat cohesive written form is actually painful to my thought process.

And yet…

The more that I am able to write, the better I slowly feel. It’s as though I can see myself coming together on the screen, clearing away the fog that holds me back and starting the ascension once again. The more I can get my brain to do the things I want it to do, the better I feel. The challenge is to keep it up.

Keep writing.