Things I Fear

I fear that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not living up to my potential. That im not working hard enough. That I will never accomplish any long term goals. That I will never have a career.

I fear for my family. That they will never have enough. What will happen when my grandmother dies. What will happen to my 6 year old brother. Will I be able to care for him or my other siblings when the time comes? Will my mother finally step up?

I fear that no one will ever love me. I have too many secrets. I have too much baggage. I am too complex. I am not feminine enough. I am not domestic enough. I don’t want children. I am always tired. I am never affectionate. I am never good at saying the right thing to the person I love. I will never be able to express my feelings to them the way I would like to. I am too sick. I am too broken. I am not enough of a person to love.

I fear death. There are days it hurts my whole body to move. Days I break down in the stock room of my job before I wipe my tears and plaster on a smile. I see all the pills I take daily and I wonder how my life has become this. I watch the pity in the nurses and doctors eyes as they read my age back to me. I don’t move for hours at a time knowing any sudden movement will cause a jolt of pain. I dread the word “chemotherapy” now. I’m forgetful and weak now. I read up for hours on kidney diets and inevitably eat something salty out of depression. I feel decades older than I am.

I fear being alone. That no matter how close someone is to me they’ll never get it. I’ll continue pushing myself into sickness trying to accommodate everyone else’s feelings. I’ll start a medication that has me lash out at everyone I love. I’ll become unbearable with the frustration of being sick. I'll look around one day and realize I pushed everyone I love away, and never allowed anyone new to love me.