Guy Fieri — please send me a postcard. That would be out of bounds.

Hey Guy,

Are you hiring? Just kidding. But actually.

Do you realize 99 per cent of viewers will spend the commercial breaks of Diners Drive-Ins and Dives either going to the kitchen trying to re create a BBQ teriyaki jerk brisket sandwiched between two waffles and mozzarella cheese, or discussing how you have the best job in the world.

You probably do realize this.

“Yes, random letter writer on the internet, I do have the best job in the world.”

I have compiled a timeline of what I think your typical day looks like and why I want it. Let’s begin.

7:10 AM: Alarm goes off, you stay sleeping because you can do what you want. Then, you get up and soak in your pool for a bit. You’re a pretty tanned dude, so you live in Arizona.

8:20 AM: What’s that noise? Your motorcycle. It’s time to take your children to school.

9:00 AM: You get home and bowl a few lanes in your own personal bowling alley. Eighty-year-old women are on roller skates and serving honey glazed while you drink a root beer float and hit strikes till 10AM. There’s hotdogs on a rotisserie thing cooking in the corner.

10:30 AM: It’s about that time of day when you grab the Old Spice hair gel and fine tune those signature bleach blonde spikes of hair. Just kidding, we all know its naturally and permanently spiked. (I wonder what would happen if you ever had a show with your hair combed down to the side.)

11:00 AM: Hair looks “OFF THE HOOK.” You stand over your sink yelling, “MONEY,” and “OUT OF BOUNDS,” like you’re talking to a southern fried asian influenced enchilada.

12:00: PM: Time for you to get in that car. First, polish the headlights a bit. Then, you are “ROLLING OUT. At this point the cameras have showed up and are following you down the highway.

1:00 PM You’re still near your house actually. You haven’t nailed the looking for American’s greatest Diners Drive-Ins and Dives line, but that’s fine, it’s an important line. It’s a line that makes anyone walking by my TV stop and sit down and spend the next 3 hours watching a DDD marathon on the Food Network.

2:00 PM: For the remainder of your day you talk to genuine humans, crack jokes, eat amazing food, and say DYNAMITE a lot.

Guy, you my friend (yes, we’re friends by now, ever since you went to Mac & Ernie’s in Tarpley, Texas in 2007. I was 11.) I look forward to becoming your pen pal.

A post card would be a dream come true.

Cheers.

Cass Cardy

Mailing Address

Cassandra Cardy

Box 1775

Minnedosa, MB

Canada R0J 1E0

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