2 am thoughts…

Kalopsia
Kalopsia
Nov 3 · 2 min read

Yesterday (or technically today) I was walking home from a concert at 2am. I had a paper McDonalds bag in my arms and I held it so close and tight to my chest. It was just a cheeseburger and some nuggets but I held that bundle of deep fried poison like it was my firstborn child as I walked through the streets of my neighborhood. I was so tired and so sad because although the music had been good I had gone alone and all I could feel was how tired and lonely I was.

As I walked I was most aware of how my back ached, my heart hurt and how empty the bedroom I was returning to was. Being alone is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, I have found. It’s not that you can’t still enjoy yourself and feel happy, because you can. But there is a certain sensation of liberated sadness that follows you everywhere and gently constricts your heart and throat. The knowledge that there is no one who will care at the end of a particularly hard day, or to feel glad for you after a good one. This feeling will wear you down and numb you into a depression if you’re not careful to acknowledge it for what it is.

I just want to lay down somewhere soft and feel someone rub my back and tell me it’s okay. But that’s not a luxury I have in my life right now… so I have to settle for just lying down somewhere soft and holding myself until the sadness of passes. My psychologist tells me vulnerability is nothing to fear, but I wonder if she knows what it’s like to need something that isn’t there — that was never there. Does she know how it feels to have your vulnerability spat on by your loved ones so many times the concept itself becomes tainted? I bet she doesn’t.

Kalopsia

Written by

A 21 y/o sometimes-sad woman living Now with Love and Gratitude and writing everything down ❤ Warning: works centred on my emotional abuse and depression.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade