A Quiet Place Was a Bad Movie

Cassidy Routh
May 15, 2018 · 3 min read

**Dedicated to the one other person in the theater who my date thought was loud. To you, nameless man, I say, you are good. I like you.**

I can’t sit idly by while people continue to recommend this garbage filth to their friends and family. I, a great knower of what is good and what is bad (see my story about how Boss Baby is very good), am telling you definitively that A Quiet Place sucks ass.

You best believe spoilers are coming at you HOT. So, if you’d rather watch before you know why not to watch, stop now and come back later.

Here we go, first scene of the movie, already trash. Why did they go on a family trip to the general store with a sick boy? Sick until he takes 1 pill and then he is fully ok immediately, mind you. They live in a world where the SLIGHTEST sound will get you killed, so they decided to travel in a big group to a store they for some reason didn’t completely loot the first time they visited. The little boy picks up a toy that the whole family apparently knows makes sound even though it looks like a model rocket. UGH I don’t think I can do this. This movie is just flaw after flaw after flaw. The kid dies btw.

At their fully open house (yes that’s right, they don’t live in a bunker, they don’t even close their doors) Jim has a little shop where he’s trying to crack the case of the monsters. He has a bunch of newspaper clippings from when they first landed. THIS IS SUCH A HUGE FUCKUP — Newspaper printing is SO LOUD. Everyone in print journalism would have died immediately in this world, no one would have been able to print newspapers, let alone distribute them. If he just had a bunch of tabs open up on his computer I’d believe that way more.

This dumbass has been working on this for over a year and this is all he has come up with.

God damn this movie makes me so mad. They get god damn pregnant, so they have fully silent sex? Also they are all scared all the time, so I truly can’t imagine them banging in this world. Also their son died like a year ago because of these monsters, so of course it makes sense to bring a new screaming baby into this world.

Fuck there is so much stuff to be mad about with this movie. I will say that the acting is all very good, which almost makes it worse.

Ok this is where it gets infuriating. My blood pressure is through the roof right now. Their daughter is deaf, and Jim thinks he can make her a working Cochlear implant by studying a book on the human ear in the spare time he isn’t hunting food and setting up Christmas lights in the field. In studying all this, it never dawns on him that the monsters only have one sense, and if he attacks that one sense, that is their weakness. He is very very stupid.

His daughter’s implant sends out a frequency that fucks with the monsters and she is too dumb to realize that is what is happening, so she turns it off and gets her dad killed. Right after he dies she figures it out. OH and this is great, just the crazy high frequency isn’t enough to kill the monsters, Emily Blunt also has to SHOOT THEM WITH A GUN. Ya you read that right, just shooting these monsters with guns will kill them.

So to your friends who enjoyed this movie, and to the yous who enjoyed this movie, I ask: why?

Please explain to me, beyond it being shot well and the acting being good, WHY. Cause nothing about it is ok to me.

PS WHY DID THEY SHUSH EACH OTHER SO MUCH??? THEY ALL KNOW TO BE QUIET. TRULY WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK YOU JIM.

Cassidy Routh

Written by

Humorist/Artist/Real person/Full Frontal with Samantha Bee