Depression has asked me to do some crazy shit over the years, but she always makes it sound good in the moment! She’s right, I don’t want to do anything, so why should I? For days even! But then she blames me for being lonely. She looks at my bed, hot from the laptop constantly streaming a show I can’t stay awake through, full of crumbs, and covered in pillows (9) and tells me it’s my fault I’m like this.
Bitch then somehow gets me to text my best friend that I’m lonely and think he’s hot. Depression can be a good writer, but this night she sucks hard. I send the text and go to sleep, preferring a morning rejection. I know that’s what’s coming, Depression can’t fucking wait. When I’m full of self doubt she can control me way better. We both knew it wasn’t going to go over well, the worst part was I didn’t even really like him in that way. I was bored and Depression saw her way in.
I get a reply that effectively says ‘nah i’m good, but we straight tho’ and at first I’m relieved, calm even. “FUCK NO CHOO CHOO IT’S ME DEPRESSION BOUT TO FUCK U UP!!!” Am I unlovable? Why am I always just a friend? Am I ugly? What do other girls have that I don’t? Will I ever fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? Am I undeserving of romantic love? Am I a bad person?
There is one guy in the history of my life who may have actually liked me and we only broke up a few months ago, is it possible he doesn’t hate me? “LETS TEXT HIM NOW YOU FREAK BITCH” Ugh ok… oh wow a day later he said some vague stuff and did not share in the sentiment of missing me. I am a true monster. I will watch Friends over and over again until I die. Wanting so badly to find a Chandler, only to find out I am a Gunther. I am alone, on the outside looking in. I dye my hair and think Jen Aniston is hot too. Forget boys… do you even have friends you sad loser??
Technically yes, but are those unlucky few just stuck with me out of pity or necessity? I’ve been off work for a week yet the only people Ive hung-out with are coworkers and my roommate. These are people who are forced to have relationships with me. This is why I spend so many days completely alone in bed, only bothering a Seamless delivery person with my presence. Depression explained to me that I suck and shouldn’t make other people be around me if they don’t have to. I only feel good when helping others though. Twice this week I found spiders inside and took them to the tree in front of my apartment. I feel so good about this small act and it is so sad!
My roommate, Liz, is forced to see me, and is also the most positive force in the universe. Depression hates her. Depression despises seeing the light in a bad situation, Depression lurks in the shadows and cringes at any brightness. I had to sit her down to tell her about my rejection via text (a storyline she was very invested in) and felt worse for her than me.
How was I supposed to break it to her that the magic she truly felt and believed didn’t exist? I felt terrible for shattering the illusion. She was very invested in thinking this friend and I were a foretold thing, and damnit it felt good to believe someone liked me. Depression fucking hates it when I feel good, but I wish she didn’t drag Liz in.
Depression spoke through me, it was a depressive possession, ‘YOU were wrong, he DIDN’T like me, no one likes me, and now I’m NEVER going to believe anyone again who says someone else is interested in me’. That cold bitch Depression blamed Liz. Someone who only ever just listened to me and wanted me to be happy. Liz was hurt, and Depression wasn’t there for it. Depression kept stoking the fire until Liz couldn’t handle it anymore and went to her room. It wasn’t Liz’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I tried to butt in and say that, but then Depression would hit her harder. There was no use trying to have a conversation when Depression had this much power.
Depression is a fucking asshole. But then again, Depression is me. She doesn’t always have so much control, but she’s a part of me. She has always been there.
I’m not sure when I first noticed her. She came out really strong when I was 16, but there were signs of her presence before that. I showed up to Middle School filthy because I hated showers and I think it was Depression who helped me lie to my peers about how I ‘put too much product in so it just looks greasy’.
Depression’s not always bad, sure, she has tried to kill me and has contributed to the loss of many friendships, but sometimes she knows when my mind and body need a break and she gives me junk food and TV marathons. Hating her completely would mean hating myself, and that’s just what she wants. So I manage her, and she just has to deal with that like I deal with her.
Our recent escapades have me believing that Depression has too much power in our relationship. I take a pill every day to manage her, but I think she has gotten used to it and figured out a work around. I always have to be on my toes with her, she’s crafty. So, I’m talking to my doctor about adding a second medication. Depression overheard and she is FREAKING OUT. What if your migraines get worse and more frequent? What if you’re in even more pain all the time? What if you gain weight? What if it changes nothing? What if I get WORSE?
I know I have to shut her out when making this decision, for both of our sakes. She’s nothing without me. She may hate it, but she needs me to survive. This one’s for us, Depression, you stone cold bitch. I love you (me).