Does Drake even know how to smoke weed????

I investigate a headline I chose not to read and give you the answers you need. This is NOT

This is the same image used in the Noisey/Vice article in question

Do you know about Drake? He sometimes sings with Rihanna and sometimes plays a differently abled Canadian student on television. Sometimes he sits on very high up buildings and makes us all nervous. Drake also likes Sprite. When Drake was first becoming famous, I thought people were talking about Drake Bell from Drake and Josh a lot. I was mistaken and honestly a little bummed.

Today an article came across my feed that stopped me in my very immobile tracks (I was sitting at my desk in a chair with no wheels).

Does Drake Even Know How to Smoke Weed? was posted by Noisey which is affiliated with Vice. I opened the link and was then distracted by my real job where I make pictures for TV. Somewhere along the way, the tab was closed, and so was my period of interest in reading the article. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to know if Drake can or cannot smoke weed. I personally don’t think he can, he dated Taylor Swift.

The person who sent me the article, a employee, was not able to read the article either.

“I scrolled a little” — Brock Hubert*, Vice employee

She also sent it to a mutual friend who was not able to make it past the bewilderment of the link. Is it the cool as hell image? The mind-numbingly dope headline? That friggin’ LINK?? What is truly baffling is that she sent it twice in the same group chat and STILL none of us were able to touch that link.

What is it exactly that kept us from taking the extra step that we routinely take with headlines we could not care less about?

The other day I clicked on countless articles that just re-explained 13 Reasons Why to me. I learned nothing and it was very annoying.

But this. This is news! What if Drake can’t smoke weed? Is it that he doesn’t know how or is there a medical reason for why he chooses not to? Does he pretend to smoke to look cool?

I am sure some of the answers to my questions are in the article but now it has just been too long since I first saw it to go back and actually read it.

If you were also thrown by the link and not ready to read the truth, what follows is how I think that article will go:

Does Drake Even Know How to Smoke Weed?

Smithson Samson

Where my conspiracy theorists at?? So I heard from a guy who worked at a coffee shop with a guy who worked at a bike shop with a guy who worked backstage passing out waters to musicians at the iHeartRadio festival that Drake totally doesn’t know how to smoke weed.

He handed him his hard earned water and then even harder earned joint, and Drake asked, “what’s this?”. Drake doesn’t even know what a weed even looks like!! If this hard fact isn’t enough for you, then buckle up.

My girl Marla straight up saw Drake on the street one day and she was totally buggin’ and shouted out, “Yo Drake! Ywannasmokewitme?”. No joke, no lie, he responded, “Sorry, what did you say?”. Dude doesn’t even understand when people are offering to blaze up!

So I decided to go undercover as Drake’s best friend, I assume his name is Jackson. So I dressed up real nice like, as Jackson does, and took my Map of the Stars, skateboard, and Sprite on the road. I roll up to Drake’s pad, I guess I was in Beverly Hills or Calabasas or something, and I’m like “AYE, Drake, light this blunt for me?”. I can’t stress enough how little I am lying in this shit right now. Drake said to me, “You’re not Jackson. Is this some sort of goofy prank? Did Jackson send you?”. WOW. Avoid the SPLIFF much DRAKE?

While I was there I was able to plant a few cameras in Drake’s crib, and that’s when things got real gnarly. I watched Drake do a Neti Pot, then he called his mom. He cracked open an ice cold Sprite and watched Entertainment Tonight. But what’s this?

Drake grabs a box from the coffee table and studies its contents. He is determined. Drake removes rolling papers, a bowl, a one-hitter, a grinder, and a film container. He begins to try to piece each of the objects together, licking the rolling paper to use as tape to hold the pieces of his invention together. He works quickly. Views is playing. It’s weird. Drake is alone and listening to his own music, why? He, like us, gets distracted. He loves his own music. When he looks back down at what he has created, he is disgusted. Filled with defeat, still, he brings the object to his mouth, falling apart at the..seams(?), and lights it on fire. Drake winces. He has burned himself. The machine is a failure. In the wreckage, the film canister melts open to reveal fire nugs. He was so close. Had he removed the weed from the container, he may have gotten a semblance of a puff. Instead, failure.

Drake can make music. Drake can sell Sprite. Drake can act (check sources). Drake, tragically, cannot smoke weed.

*Name changed from Brooke Huseby, a real Vice employee. No Ragerts. Hi Kyle.