How to Be the Boss Baby of Your Life

Don’t let your dreams be dreams

Boss Baby begins the same as any great movie does, with a monologue by Tobey Maguire.

Unlike the one true Spider-Man, Young Tim has parents, no Aunts May or Uncles Ben, and a weird ass new baby brother he just can’t figure out. Timmy boy loves his parents, like, maybe too much? He’s anywhere from 5–10 years old and should probably have at least one friend. I do think it was mentioned that he learned something in Kindergarten, but also later he tells the Boss Baby that his parents have given him the sex talk, so he is maybe 11.

You could imagine the Boss Baby as a non-decrepit Benjamin Button at the end of his life. He is a grown ass man in a baby body (with dat ass!). I’m not gross, this movie heavily objectifies the Boss Baby booty. In the opening scene, the first time Tim imagines what sex is in this movie, he says something along the lines of “I wonder where babies come from”, cut to bouncing ass!! But wait! It’s just Boss Baby’s ass on the conveyor belt to either family or management! Spoiler Alert: Boss Baby is total management material. Boss Baby loves sushi! Boss Baby wears sock garters! Boss Baby throws weird Wolf of Wall Street inspired parties at the office when he gets a promotion! Boss Baby is an adult who knows everything about everything (except what sex is apparently, cause the 7 year old Timmy tells him at the end and Boss Baby is hella grossed out).

This is not the butt mentioned, just another Boss Baby butt. Truly there were so many.

I saw this movie with my friend Caroline in a sold out Sunday matinee. We split a totally normal cookie, wrapped in aluminum foil, and let me tell you, Boss Baby was HYSTERICAL. 10/1o would recommend.

“Movies can be a fun time with friends, and you can quote me on that.” — Dan Spenser Levine, Dan’s Life Magazine.

The theater was full of children. There were no jokes for children in this movie. Think past this being an animated movie about a baby, because it was complicated as shit. I am positive that if I asked any one of those screaming, shitting kids after the movie why there was a rocket ship that almost killed Boss Baby, they would not be able to explain why. Furthermore, why is Baby Co. in the clouds/some inter-dimensional world, while Puppy Co. is housed on Earth? Why do the Forever Puppies only need to use the Secret Formula once to stay young forever, but Boss Babies use the same formula every hour on the hour to stay both baby and boss? Are these all real questions about the plot of this movie? YES. Here’s another, how come when the parents are forced to forget that they had a baby and the OBVIOUS MINIONS (EW) clean all the baby stuff out of the house, HOW are the parents not SO CONFUSED by the EMPTY ROOM WITH NURSERY WALLPAPER??

If you think too much about the inner-workings of the worlds of Boss Baby, it falls apart very quickly, so I recommend that you do not think. Do you think I was thinking when I ordered a large Coke ICEE, medium popcorn and ‘Corn Dog Bites’ at the theater? No!

I love the Boss Baby the way I love this sign. It is so confusing that it made me laugh and then I remembered, it doesn’t really matter if it makes sense.

Boss Baby was the first animated film I saw in theaters since Toy Story 3. I was forced to watch Frozen by a girl I was babysitting and I flat out told her it was bad and I was mad at her for making me watch it. So, I saw Toy Story 3 in 2010 (great), then Frozen in 2014 (god awful), and now, Boss Baby. Here is a chart explaining how i feel about those movies:

Caroline took notes in a bonafide notebook during the movie. Below is an excerpt I found especially alarming:

She’s right. I cried. I shed one single tear in Boss Baby and I didn’t even force it. His brother, Timothy Leslie, sent him some mail (to Baby Co. idk how just go with it), a box full of colorful wooden blocks signifying their love. On the Boss Baby website, they use these love blocks to thank their corporate sponsors! Boss Baby loves to commodify love! Just think of the business model of Baby Co.! Oh wait don’t.. really, it becomes very messy if you do.

I dreamt that I would love Boss Baby, and damnit, I succeeded. I’ll be honest, I was scared.

Before I bought my ticket I thought, what could we do instead if it happened to be sold out? Am I really WILLINGLY walking into an animated film right now? What if a baby barfs on me? What if I smell a shitty diaper? I hadn’t even considered how many children would be in the theater with me until we were surrounded at the box office. Just like the Boss Baby, I persisted. I bought a child’s priced ticket, because no one looks at that anyway (pro-tip), and I marched into auditorium 4 with a bounty of treats.

A born leader. The Boss Baby. Cassidy Routh.

Can I explain? No! Would the Boss Baby explain? No!!! Are you starting to get it? I think you are. 
I am the Boss Baby of my life because I love the Boss Baby with no stipulations. I just think he’s great, and that’s it. He lived up to my hype of him and I got to eat a cookie too. Cookies are for this closer!

Now get back to work!