Other Times The Ball Should Drop

It has been one week since the sparkling Waterford Crystal Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball dropped. Now we wait 51 weeks for the glory to return??? Um, I think no.

We, as a society, have access to a beautiful orb YEAR-ROUND that could alert us to so much more than just the passing of time. It is a smart ball. It knows all! The ball watches us constantly, like Santa Claus, and decides when we deserve the next year. That’s why 2016 felt endless and 2017 went by very fast.

For 364 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes, the ball sits at the base of its pole. A laughing stock. It is humiliated. Let it rise again and again! Don’t let this gracious sphere of knowledge feel impotent.

What say the ball can’t tell us when other things are happening? The official Times Square website boasts, “The Ball is capable of displaying a palette of more than 16 million vibrant colors…” This means it is very possible for the ball to drop multiple times throughout the year without confusing the masses. If New Years is white, then the next idea will be some other color, like taupe or something. Do you see? It is very easy.

Here are some ideas I have to get the ball moving all year long:

RED: When an all female reboot is released in theaters

ORANGE: When one of my tweets gets more than 20 likes

YELLOW: When Trump has a bad day

GREEN: When the ball feels like it

PURPLE: When Cardi B releases new music

BLUE: When there’s another indictment in Trump’s posse

BLACK: When a store somewhere is having a good sale

GRAY: This is just an indication that the ball needs maintenance, please contact the Times Square Alliance if you notice the ball is this color

MAROON: When Michael Cera is in something new

DENIM: When it’s the first day of Summer!

FUSCIA: When Boss Baby 2 hits theaters

LIGHT FUSCIA: When McRib is back

CYAN: When another creep ass shit gets called out for being a sexual assaulter/abuser/harasser


Wow, I can’t believe I named all 16 million colors so quickly! I’ll expect the change in the ball’s schedule to go up any day now, so keep your eye on the ball!