Predictive Text: A Hidden Trash Gem

The highlighted button is the star here, don’t worry about her co-stars on the left and right.

Predictive text is a treasure. It will NEVER give you exactly what you want to say, but sometimes it will tell you what you need to hear.

When I first discovered hitting the middle button of predictive text repeatedly (thanks to a Facebook page full of memes about garlic bread), Siri was certain I wanted to tell everyone:

“I’m gonna be a bad boy”

Now that I’ve abused the privilege that this tool is a bit more, I’ve found that it generally changes depending on who you’re texting, and the texts are always bad.

Here are some people I recently texted and what Siri thinks I should say to them:

HW:

I’m gonna be a good girl but then I’ll just go back on the same thing

Okay great so I guess Siri is still dead set on me being a bad boy.

BH:

I’m gonna go back on my bed now I have a good night sleep I feel so weird but it’s not cool

This is pretty close to something I would say if I was not feeling well and decided that sleeping on top of my covers was the cure. I also frequently have to distinguish if my feeling ‘weird’ is cool weird or not. So there’s that. Good effort!

TF:

I’m gonna be a bad day for a long day and then I’ll be home to my god party

Honestly I should send this to this person, he would have a funny reaction and not call me a lunatic. Predictive text could be a fun way to weed out which friends are cool with you losing your mind.

CR:

I’m gonna be a bad day when you have to take my office and get it back to my god cause it’s not okay to text you cause you know I know that I know what I did.

What? Why. Although I think this recipient would find a way to respond to this in a way that didn’t make me feel like a robot in a horror movie sequel, she shouldn’t have to. Get it together with your predictive ass.

TH:

I’m gonna be late for work tonight but I’ll just go back on the holiday season but I’ll have a lot to come over and then I don’t want it to be a bad idea

I could try to un-package these deep ideas Siri has, but I also think maybe she’s drunk? At least she knows what time of year it is.

LT:

I’m gonna be a bad day when you have to take her to court to tell you that I love her

I don’t have to be under oath to tell someone I love them Siri, do you want me to teach you about love?

I stole this art, the artist is Julia Quenzler/Central News.

EC:

I’m gonna be a bad day when you have to leave my room and I leave for the first one then you get a ticket and I have no one else but I’ll have you here to be the best thing ever

This is sweet, but, Siri has a hard time with storytelling. Where is ‘here’ if neither of us are in the original location, or logically the same location at all? This would be a hard text to respond to as it’s also based in no reality.

Disclaimer: If you don’t see your initials and feel like you’ve been omitted, it’s because Siri hates you, not me. I tried for MB, EA, GO, CS, AB, AE, CB, LB, SG and RM and for all of you I got this garbage that I just could not in good conscience include 10 times:

I’m gonna go to watch the movie with me but I’ll just go back on the show again until now it’s just so weird that it doesn’t have any time for a while but also it’s fun

This is true nonsense and has no place here.

What I’ve learned:

I need to stop starting texts with “I’m gonna”.

New technology is kinda funny but also not really after it’s beaten to death.

I am fearless (I could’ve accidentally sent ANY of these weird texts by pressing one wrong button).

Siri has some deep-seated issues, they are probably bug based, but maybe someone should talk to her developer? Are they okay?

I’m gonna go back on the same thing again but I’m still gonna go back to the way you are and I’ll try and get a new phone now- Siri