Meaningless

by: Gayle

It’s so dark. I can’t make out a single trace of light since that day. It’s been so cold, it numbs every part of me. No more warmth is left in my system to escape to. The flowers have wilted and turned into dust. The birds in the sky fly South. It’s winter. It isn’t just cold outside but even colder on the inside. It’s like I’ve been beat to a pulp and lost all sense of idea. There is no idea because there is no you.

What am I without you? It’s like the world fell out of place, tossed out of its orbit and spinning on nothing but a broken axis. When I saw you, i knew you were my purpose. You were my hope. You were my everything. You were. But when I see you, it was like watching my life get snatched away. And by who? By you. Is this some kind of game to you? I’ve been waiting for you since day one. “Where could you have gone?” I think to myself. Surely you’ll come back. Surely you’ll have said something. Surely you’ll have thought again. Surely. It’s been a harsh Fall. Still, still waiting. Connecting the dots in my head and nothing makes a familiar pattern. Nobody can recreate that eruption of sparks in my chest that leaves a faint dust shimmering all over me. Everything is about you. Everything is you. So what am I without an “everything”?

Glass. I am as fragile as glass. Broken into a million pieces; impossible to fix. I step on my own shatter and bleed until I break even more. Where? Oh, where are you? I try to forget. Believe me, I do. But i fear to forget. For I fear to never remember your smile, your laugh, your entire being. But how do I stop the blood? How do I stop the pain? How do i stop this tsunami of memories flashing and unfolding before my eyes. How do I? Because for me, this world is now a life without my world. I suffocate from the thought of you. I drown in the photographs I keep of you. I dissolve into that usual numb feeling of nothingness when i know I’m never gonna see you ever again. In the end, when the Earth falls apart and I’m aimlessly still holding on to something that isn’t there, I’ll be the definition of emptiness, an empty space, an empty grave, a lost soul, the one who lost herself in the search to find her herself. Is there anything else I can do now? Is there anything I can do to fix this deep depression I have caused myself to fall into? No. I’ve tried. I really can’t forget. Confusion is taking over my mind. No. What is my purpose? Am I meaningless? Yes.