Making Sense Of New Hampshire Voting

As the votes roll in on this famous New Hampshire date — the first primary in the nation! — a lot of otherwise-well-informed reporters have been asking: What lessons can actually be taken away from the electoral results of one small, idiosyncratic, northeastern state? How are the politics here similar to the rest of our great nation? How are they different? Won’t someone (these reporters are saying) PLEASE fill me in?

Having been born and raised in the great land of Manchester, New Hampshire, I feel I’m uniquely qualified to answer these questions. So listen up, Washington DC fat cats, because a New Hampshire native is here to put you in your place!

New Hampshire is: Maverick

Unlike most of the nation, where the whole state leans heavily in one political direction (think: the Hunger Games districts, and how it’s like they’re all a different Harry Potter house) New Hampshire leans all over the place. Who can say what’s coming, what’s going, or what’s topsy-turvy sideways? Not the chattering classes of the national media, that’s for sure! As an example, consider one famous New Hampshire resident: my friend Dave, from high school. At one point, Dave got a job at Dunkie’s. No, not the Elm Street Dunkie’s — the other one, the one just off of Beech. Yeah yeah, near Dorr’s Pond, kinda.

Most politicians, when they attain a position of power, are inclined to “grease the wheels” a little. A little tax, a little spend, a little spread-it-around, if you get my drift. So imagine our surprise when Dave REFUSED — flat out REFUSED — to give us free donuts! Citing timeworn New Hampshire moral principles like “I don’t wanna get in trouble” and “would you guys please leave”, he instead let the donuts be thrown out at the end of the shift!

Hey, “Spendington DC”: take a Lesson. By not giving us donuts, Dave was ACTUALLY being a Maverick. And similarly, we, in turn, were even more Mavericker, by crawling into the dumpster and finding the large garbage bag full of PERFECTLY GOOD DONUTS, some of which got eaten by Porter I think.

New Hampshire is: Reliable

Wait a second: isn’t “Reliable” the OPPOSITE of “Maverick”? What are you trying to pull??? Ha ha, settle down. I’m not trying to pull any part of you. New Hampshire is reliable in SOME ways. For example, one interesting fact about the New Hampshire electorate? That magical summer when Mike decided to watch Army Of Darkness EVERY single day!

Most of the political “talking head class” doesn’t have this kind of stick-to-it-ive-ness, shouting “No, what? Not every single day” or “What”, but not Mike; he DEFINITELY ENJOYED that movie, and it was easy enough to just put on while he was doing something else, and then after you realize you’ve been doing that every day, it’s like, well, I’ve got a streak going, I might as well keep at it. You know?

So eventually it’s like “ugh god not this again” but then you get past that and you just kind of accept that this is the life you’ve chosen, and that acceptance allows you to regard the watching of Army Of Darkness as, like, kind of a meditative process? Is I think how it turned out for him? Like the Buddhists? I think it’s like what they do? Repetition and wisdom, I guess? So CRAM IT, PUNDITS.

New Hampshire is: Resourceful

What kind of budgets get passed in the Granite State? Well, if you’re the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, you pass one full of WASTEFUL SPENDING that doesn’t even do anything. “Highway” money, for example: hello, the highways are ALREADY THERE. What do you even use more money for? Buying paint for the highways? To make them colorful and pleasing to the eye? Ridiculous.

New Hampshire, on the other hand, keeps its ends justified well within its means. In one of the most famous cases, let’s turn a non-blind eye to that famous event that New Hampshirites all know as “the nacho problem”. Artie had run out of tortilla chips, and it looked like nachos were simply NOT ON THE TABLE (metaphorically, but also literally, not on his table, which was a real table) for the afternoon.

And what did the voters do? They discovered that oh hey, there are actually Saltines, in the cabinet, we have Saltines in one a them crinkly sleeves, and here’s some American cheese, and what if we melt the American cheese on the Saltines? BAM. Nachos. Kind of like nachos. Very close to nachos. Pretty good, sort of.

Hey MISTER PRESIDENT: How Do You Like THEM Nachos?

New Hampshire is: Not Getting Into A Fight At Taco Bell After All

I’m still not entirely sure that was even Westphal’s fault. Like, it mighta been? Jay says it was? But like, what kind of maniac comes into the South Willow Street Taco Bell and threatens to beat the hell out of someone just because he was staring at him too much? I don’t know. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I believe Jay on this one

New Hampshire is: Flinty

Full of grit and determination, New Hampshire isn’t the kind of place that backs down from a fight, but it’s also not the kind of place to go looking for one, either. It’s more the kind of place to hope to avoid the police, by hiding in the Little League field’s dugout, so no one sees it smoking weed.

Not that New Hampshire has ever smoked weed. New Hampshire wouldn’t do that — EVER. New Hampshire has just heard of that. Of people doing that. New Hampshire is basically saying that if it’s like 8 PM on a Saturday and New Hampshire is seventeen, the dugout is actually really well-hidden from the street, so like New Hampshire and Vermont and Maine and Mass and Rhode Island can all hang out there. Connecticut, by contrast, suggests going to the woods, which, hello, Connecticut, that’s EXACTLY WHERE THE COPS WOULD BE LOOKING FOR US.

New Hampshire is: Election

At the end of the day, New Hampshire is just one thing, and that’s many things to many people, and that thing is the election. So whether you’re “swimmin’ it” on the seacoast, or climbing our famous “Mount” (short for mountain) Washington, there’s only one thing we’re capable of saying: “Live Free Or Die”. Anything else would be… UnNewHampshirey!