What To Do When YOU — yes, YOU — Win The Lottery

It’s that time of year again! The snow is blowing, the birds are nestled deep in their holes, and America has — you guessed it — lotto fever!

With a current Powerball jackpot of 1.5 BILLION dollars, the big question on everyone’s minds is: What exactly do I do with the dollars when I win all of them?

Whoa, there, kid! Looks like you’re getting ahead of yourself; first ya gotta win it! We’ve put together a step-by-step guide that’ll answer all your questions:

- HOW to win the lottery,

- WHAT to do next,

and

- WHEN to money.

Join us on this wild financial ride, won’t you?

1. How Do I Win That Sweet Money I Love To Own?

The first thing we’ll need to figure out is HOW to win the lottery. That one’s easy! Tickets are available at most supermarkets, convenience stores, and liquor stores. In the case of a liquor store, you can buy the ticket instead of liquor. Just say, “No liquor for me, please; I’m here to win some cash!” I know, I know. You want the liquor. But that’s for another day; it’s time to get serious.

IMPORTANT FACT: you WILL have to pay a dollar to get a ticket. Now I know right about now you’re probably like, “WHUUUUUH???” because hey, you didn’t start reading a damn ARTICLE just to LOSE a dollar, right? But you gotta spend money to make money, so hand over that dollar, buddy-o!

Now just choose a bunch of numbers that you like, and the store clerk will put them on the ticket for you (using a computer). When the television man reads YOUR NUMBERS, you’ll have won! You’ll have won the money! Simple as that! Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch!!!?!?!!!

2. Okay, So I Won; Now How Do I GET The Money?

Most lotteries will pay you over the course of many years, like any other paycheck. But if you know the secret code phrase, you can get them to give all of it to you immediately instead. Just wink at the Money Giver, and whisper, “Animal Style, if you please,” and they’ll have no choice but to give you the whole sum right away. (You don’t actually NEED to say please, but it’s nicer that way, don’t you think? Just friendlier)

When you go the all-at-once route, the Money Giver will pull on a rope attached to the ceiling, and all the money you’ve won will come fluttering down around you. Some of it will land on your head, like a butterfly coming home to a leaf. DON’T BE SCARED OF THAT.

One of the most common mistakes people make at this point is forgetting to keep a friend nearby with a camera, ready to take a picture of you smiling in the middle of all the money. So make sure you’re using the “buddy system,” and have a pal on hand to take lots of photos! We’re in the digital age now, so don’t worry about your friend wasting film; you can just delete the pictures you don’t want. It’s really not that big a deal.

3. Is My Life So Different Now That I Am Rich With Money?

You better believe it is! You know how you used to walk into a store and wonder if you had enough money to buy a product? Well, that’s a thing of the past! From here on out, you can afford it all! Loaf of banana bread? It’s yours. Bicycle? You’re gonna own it. Official “Frozen” merchandise? Make room for it on your mantle. A sweater? Time to live the high life, baby!

You’ll be able to buy so much, you might even be tempted to buy stuff for OTHER PEOPLE. That’s a natural reaction in this kind of situation. We call these items for other people “gifts,” just like we always say “each day is a gift.” But here, the gift isn’t just some crappy old “day” — it might be a cool motorcycle, or an octopus!

When it comes to purchasing items, the sky is literally the limit! But guess what? That phrase? The “sky’s the limit”? It’s actually kind of a trick phrase, because what it means is that the limit is super high, just like the sky! It’s taller than mountains, and buildings, and even the biggest dinosaurs! How HIGH is the sky, for real, for real though, is a question you might be asking now. You might be getting a little scared now and demanding to know how high the sky ACTUALLY is. But no one really knows. Sorry.

4. Okay, I’ve Had My Fun. Now How Do I Be Responsible.

Good on you, mate. You’ve come to an advanced intellectual stage of having a lot of money; you’re starting to realize that there’s more to life than just spending it on fripperies and gewgaws and tchotchkes and baubles. There’s also the thing called INVESTING the money, so the money makes more of itself. This is a very canny move to do.

You know, most people don’t even get to this stage of financial responsibility. Just by thinking about it, you’re demonstrating that you’re an incredibly mature person. Go on and think more about this path toward greater wealth. How would you do it? Maybe a savings account could hold some of the money? Or maybe you could buy stocks and bonds? Ever heard of an IRA, or a Warhammer 40K? Of course you have, because you’re savvy as hell (pardon my french).

Seriously, there’s a lot of people out there, they’d just blow all their cash on more items, but you? You’re different. Smarter. You’ve really shown them. You’ve shown all of us. We’re proud of you. You scare us, a little, even, because of how smart you are. But you don’t even let that go to your head, you’re just super thoughtful, is all. It’s really impressive, to be honest. Good job.

5. Do I Still Have To Eat Fruits And Vegetables Any More?

Here’s something the mega-celebs (but not the rega-celebs) know: once you get rich enough, you don’t have to eat fruits OR vegetables if you don’t want to. George Clooney? That dude hasn’t eaten a pear since 1994. Helen Mirren? She subsists on 90 percent licorice, with the occasional pork chop.

How do they do it? Simple. The FDA Guidelines are NOT written for the ultra-rich, like you! They were written way back in like the seventies, when they took that photo of the woman in the Dust Bowl. You know the one? She’s like looking out into the distance, and it looks like she’s really dry, like she doesn’t own any moisturizer, and she’s squinting, and maybe her kids are sick with Megatherium or something. Well, the government took one look at her, and said, “Ai yi yi! Lady! Ya GOTTA eat some veggies!”

But you’re a much moister, wetter, richer person, so feel free to fill up on bubble gum and queso dip! That’s just YOUR PREROGATIVE.

6. Okay… But…. What About My Legacy?

Again, we can’t overstate how mature you’re being about all this. Really. We are feeling just so… blessed? Is that the word? Let’s go with happy. We’re just happy to know someone so giving.

So yeah, give your money to a charity, and they’ll put your name on a building, or a bench, or maybe name an elephant after you in the zoo! Would you like that? Of course you would! WHO WOULDN’T???

The other great things about charities is they help people! Sometimes someone is in a place that’s incredibly dangerous (ever heard the phrase “war-torn Sudan,” for example?) and they have to take a boat out of there. Charities are those people who find them in the boats, and they pull the endangered person out of the boat, and the person kind of fumbles up over the side of the small boat, into a bigger boat. And the endangered person is smiling and cheering then, because that bigger boat? It’s headed for — wait for it — LAND.

So that’s all you need to know about winning the lottery money! Confusing, isn’t it? But it’s easy to remember the basics, as long as you don’t forget the “Three Cs” — Cash, Charity, and Crazy:

CASH: is what you won in the lottery. (All those greenish-grey papers with men staring at you on the front and numbers and letters all over them and all those fine lines all over that look like cobwebs in your basement — that’s CASH.) It’s what you SPEND to get STUFF.

CHARITY: When you run out of STUFF to GET, you can GIVE your money to a CHARITY, which uses the money to put your NAME on things. And HELPS people find their WAY onto BOATS.

CRAZY: it’s CRAZY that you won the lottery! But also makes sense, in a way? You kind of felt like it was likely, to be honest. You just deserve it, is all. It feels… it feels right.

Okay, champ, I’d say you’re ready to “lotto it up!” Time to get out there and make some DREAMS come TRUE! Because you can’t spend it… if you don’t WIN it!!!