Top 10 Perks of Ignoring Your Student Loans

by Cat

In early 2015, student loan delinquency in the United State soared to 11.3%. It would seem student debt resistance is in vogue, with celebrities like John Oliver and Scarlett Johansson publicly denouncing a system that leaves students struggling years after graudation.

Whether you’ve chosen to ignore your student debt to impress your friends or you’re doing it for ostentatious political reasons, here are the top ten exciting perks of ignoring your student loans:

10. Cackling like a super-villain 2–5 times a day after hanging up on debt-collectors. “You want me to pay for my education? NEVER!! Mwaahahahaha!”

“Mwaahahahaha!”

9. Debt resisters make better lovers.

The way you hold it back…just keeps me begging for more. …Winkyface.”

8. That liberating feeling of stripping away all those false promises of repayment and revealing your true, natural, debt-resistant self.

[WARNING: Cat Bloc is not responsible for anyone’s decision to throw off their clothes and run naked through their former university shouting “I’M FREEEEEEEEEE!”]

7. The moment your parents call to finally admit YOU WERE RIGHT.

So honey, we read this thing in book group…”

6. No more humiliating phone calls with your loan company.

“Wait?? You want me to sign a Acknowledgment of my Moral and Biological Shortcomings as a Human Being??”

5. Reconnecting with former humanities professors to watch them implode: “ZOUNDS! You’re my 13th former student to become a debt resister this week! Ha ha… IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR! I mean, the bankers just sunk in so quickly… during their 30-take over of the education system! How I was I supposed to notice? I’m a professor of Classics! It’s not my job to make sure bankers aren’t using my labor to enslave an entire generation of students — it was the administrators that did it! Ant they they didn’t even give me a cut! IN FACT, NOW I’M ON FOOD STAMPS! Criminy, I’m such a tool…”

“Wait?? You want me to sign a Statement Acknowledging my Moral and Biological Shortcomings as a Human Being??”

4. Saving taxpayers money — because upholding the system of student debt is actually more expensive to taxpayers than making public universities ENTIRELY free. “Wow, it’s like those loan companies are forming some sort of parasitic empire that allows them to be completely useless human beings, while forcing the rest of us to do jobs we don’t want to do (and that probably destroy the environment). Is it just more, or has out entire social structure developed into some sort of broken ecocidal game? Each day I don’t pay a student loan helps bring down the banks and investment class that is responsible for all this garbage, while liberating my time so I can make art and grow food with my neighbors!”

[1 year later]

3. Student loans? What student loans!

[5 months later]

2. What student loans? “No, seriously… they stopped calling me…. Pity. I was so looking forward to spending the formative years of my adult life as their slave.”

[75 years later]

1. The financial institutions holding us in debt have all collapsed, and future generations have immortalized our struggle in musical theatre:

“Debt is our generation’s king / So ignoring it is our guillotine!”

“And all oppression ended in 2015” / “(Ignore the new guys above the stage pulling the strings) Tra la la!”

Help future generations by writing your own original lyrics about debt resistance. Or perhaps just a strong letter of warning to future humans about centralized power.

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