How do you deal with conflict?

Everyday millions of people get into some kind of conflict, big or small. In my quest to become a leader and not a boss, I discovered that being a peacemaker is one of the most difficult task you’ll have to do. Resolving conflicts require negotiation skills, great deal of patience, and a healthy dose of emotional intelligence (EI).

I used to get really worked up over everything, quite frankly I still do and it is such a difficult learning curve for me that sometimes I can feel the physical pain in my chest.

It is just not worth it.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on the things I’ve done since I arrived in Europe, the people and things I’ve encountered. Majority are great, but (of course there’s a but) there are equal # of frustrating events and horrible people that floats around, like an annoying mosquito that just won’t leave you alone. With bugs, you can destroy them with newspaper, but with people, you can only imagine, because to me, it is just not worth it.

Recently at a youth exchange I met an expert in Conflict Resolution and gained some new insight on how to deal with these inevitable daily conflicts. It was perfect timing as I deal with so many conflicts since leaving Vancouver and for whatever reasons, it seem more prominent and frequent here in Europe. I think mainly is because the things I choose to do and the people I deal with are a bit younger. Not trying to generalize here but I see that being true in my case.

Besides a lot of inexperienced and micro managers, I also have to deal with arrogant and annoying people who thinks they are the top 1% of human population. These constant demand and threats to cut my hours or even terminate my temporary part time jobs (are you kidding?) really takes a toll in the long run. It seems like it is always the same sh*t, same threats and same demand.

OKAY, I get it. Trying to win every argument, even when you know you are right is a huge waste of time.

Why? Besides none of these insignificant things really matters in a year, the truth is, I don’t see myself working there for the rest of my life. Fun time will be over abroad soon enough, and then I am almost certain I will forget any of it (the bad part) ever happened in a heartbeat. In fact, after a few weeks of not working for someone, I already forgotten the names of the people I dislike. So why bother? Hack, I lived in Vancouver all my life and I can’t even remember some of my friends’ names and where I met them.

According to leadership Author — Susan Steinbrecger, the conflict resolution model involves three golden rules. In a nutshell, there are two fundamental needs that must be met. The ego need (to be valued and emphasized) and the practical need (the reason for having the discussion to resolve conflict).

To address both needs, employ the three golden rules of engagement:

1. Listen and respond with empathy
2. Be involved; ask for the other person’s opinions, ideas and thoughts
3. Maintain and affirm self-esteem

As a Communications major, one of the first things I learned is how to decode a message. A message can be communicated in a number of ways: verbal and non-verbal (body language/written). It is really important to express yourself in details but not over complicate your message to confuse others. In sum, the following are take home nuggets from my recent encounter in Ireland:

#1: If your message is lengthy, inconsistent and contain errors, there is a high chance your message will be misinterpreted.

Poor verbal and body language can confuse the receiver creating misunderstanding. Barriers in context usually lies on sender offering too much info too quickly.

Have you ever got a lengthy instruction to something simple? The worst part is probably random sub tasks get thrown in the mix as it happen, making it impossible to follow. My solution: ask the sender to write out multiple request so there’s a paper trial evidence .

#2: Learn how to deal with conflict — rather than avoiding it — is crucial.

After all, two (or more) people can’t realistically agree on everything. Learn how to handle conflict in a respectable and positive way to turn unpleasant situations into opportunities.

#3: Look past the incident and forgive to forget.

After a few days, months or years, whatever you argued about won’t matter anymore. So why sweat the small stuff?

#4: Active listening.

Don’t underestimate the silent observer — He knows more than he said, think more than he speaks and observe more than you know.

Research shows that we remember between 25 percent and 50 percent of what we hear. Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself that your ultimate goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying.

#5: Identify the root cause of the problem.

Is it you? Or that person is having a bad day and taking it out on you? Ask questions to find out the source of your conflict. Why were you upset? Is there a relation between incidents? Actively listen to yourself and others when conducting these interviews.

Understand the cause of your conflict by practice active listening, to improve your communication skills and reduce conflict for a happier life ahead.

I took the following picture after a hike with my youth exchange group up the Wicklow Mountains in Ireland. We carried rocks with us and gathered around to let go of our fear when we reached the top. Isn’t that something? You can found a video of the week HERE.

Reference:

Me waking up from a dream of punching a mosquito at 3:30am…🙄