[8. a list of fears]

I would like to think that I am brave for openly sharing a list of fears that I legitimately have at the present moment.

Instead, I will say that I am honest.

Instead, I will say that I’m sure I’m not the only one who has an assortment of things that keep them up some nights.

For me fear can be as gentle as the tide hitting my feet as I stand along the shore. I know it is there. I know it is coming. Yet somehow I just stand patiently, staring off into the distance and embracing the feeling that gently brushes over me. I don’t fight it or run away from it — I just let it be.

I am afraid…

• I will not live up to my own potential. I think it may be my greatest fear. Sometimes I think of this in the context of other people. I know I am surrounded by greatness, but I fear that my greatness hasn’t fully been achieved yet, and even worse that it may never be.
• I will disappoint the people I love. I don’t really care about disappointing people who don’t know me very well. I don’t really care about disappointing people who think they know what is best for me. I am most afraid of disappointing the people who I would walk to the far ends of west bumblef*** for. I want them to be proud.
• Of growing complacent.
• Of what my subconscious has been trying to tell me.
• That someone will read this.
• That no one will read this.
• Of falling in love again. The last time I fell in love it was one-sided and didn’t end well and wore me down a bit and I think I may have built a wall out of the broken promises, tears and lies.
• Of what will happen if Trump becomes the next United State President.
• Of all the angry, ignorant people who support Trump. They aren’t going to go away if he doesn’t become President.
• That I sing/rap too loudly at work and someone is going to be extra petty and report me to HR.
• Of the thoughts I have when I want to be extra petty.
• To go to the gas station at night.
• Debt.
• I’ll be alone for the forseeable future. I’m getting a fur baby next year.
• Someone read this list to the end.
• No one read this list to the end.