I’m Here for My Appointment

I was just telling my friend the other day that 2017 is the year of existential crises and loneliness. She agreed. This year is so shitty that I made the decision to go to therapy. It’s probably the only good thing as of now that I have chosen to do all year.

I’m open about the fact that I go to therapy. I’ve never been the kind of person to hide anything. I’m not going to make up some vague white lie about how Thursdays are always busy for me. I go to therapy weekly and I love it! I found out being honest about what I do every single Thursday makes people feel more comfortable and more open to ask questions. I don’t mind at all. The most common question is: “So what do you do in therapy?”. My response is usually me explaining how therapy entails something different for everyone.

What do I do in therapy? I cry. I cry so much and I’m so lucky my therapist doesn’t give a single shit if I cry, it’s great. There’s just this weird feeling I get whenever I walk into the building that makes me want to cry. And it’s not bad. In a way it’s a feeling of release. I keep everything bottled in me and then on Thursdays I get to let it all out. I guess I just cry when it happens.

Aside from crying, I talk. I talk about everything that’s been rattling in my brain that week. I talk about people, events, hopes, dreams, and fears. Some weeks are better than others, but I usually fluctuate between being anxious/shaky or depressed/dead inside. Therapy helps me figure out what could be making me feel this way, but sometimes I don’t have answers for it. I have learned that not having the answers is okay. That’s what freaks a lot of people out. People like knowing the answers, they need it to understand why I could possibly feel the way I feel. There’s a disconnect between me and everyone else sometimes. So it’s nice to walk into a room and chat with someone for an hour who doesn’t need me to answer questions that I don’t know the answers to. I have no obligations.

It’s also a nice place to not feel lonely. It’s a place for someone to not make assumptions or offer advice from their own experiences. They’ll ask questions to try to understand how I feel, not to collect intel so they can spit out the first piece of advice they can think of.

Since going to therapy I feel like I have a better hold on my emotions, which feels great, but I’m not better. I’ve had people tell me lately “Oh you’re doing so much better. I can tell. You really are”. Um okay. Just because I’m not crying uncontrollably doesn’t mean I’m better. It just means I’ve learned to deal with my problems differently.

Going to therapy is a process, not overnight magic. If it was magic then more people would be going, but since it does require work and opening up, it can be terrifying! Just know that you can/will feel better, that’s something I have to tell myself every day. Focusing on yourself and healing your own wounds isn’t selfish, it’s self compassion. I wish more people practiced a little self compassion and went to therapy.

❤ Mary

Fun Anatomical Fact: You have three little bones in your ear called the malleus, incus, and the stapes. My favorite is the incus because it rhymes with dinkus.