Joel, I so respect your sharing. My heart hurts reading about your pain. I shook my head in understanding.
Was raped as a child by family member. Have spent my life healing shame, self-loathing & an aversion to experiencing sex as intimacy.
It is so courageous to share your story. Please keep taking steps to acknowledging, feeling and healing the truth of your life. You are worth it. You deserve it. Each step will dissolve a little more pain; and bring a little more peace. Find a group, a therapist, books, whatever works best for you. Mine has been a lifetime journey. Hoping I’ve given you hope to make the journey too.