How to Declutter your House in Five Easy Steps

I have a friend who is a minimalist. She has Marie Kondo’ed the fuck out of her house. There is now almost nothing in it. The house that is. And she has a 4 year old! And she has a cat! And she thought of it before Marie Kondo had her book published. I love this friend.

Minimalism is appealing, because stuff is irritating. Apart from books. Books are good. I love them. Seeing piles of books around gives me happiness or sparks joy or some shit. Also blankets, you can never have enough of those. Lovely cosy blankets. But in principle, yeah, plastic toys, shoes, weird kitchen gadgets, random tat, all that stuff can fuck off.

But, I’m lazy. Plus, the kids get irritated if they notice you putting all their stuff in bin bags and giving it to the charity shop. Also, there are so many better things to be doing than digging through years worth of detritus and even as you do it grandparents will be turning up with crap from their house and dumping it in your lounge and giving the kids more piles of appealing plastic crap. That is demoralising. You might as well be digging a hole in the ocean.

What’s a house wife with an crushingly heteronormative lifestyle to do? Well, friend, I have the perfect solution for you. It doesn’t even take any minutes a day and it combines yoga and spiritualism. I’m calling it maximalism. Interested? Hell yeah you are!

  1. At the beginning of yoga you turn your inner eye inward and see how you are feeling — you do this legs crossed eyes closed. For maximalism just adopt the position, look around your head and find your clutter eye. Yes, there it is! You’ve got it. Amazing work! Well done you :)
  2. Now turn it off. For some people this is more difficult than it is for others. If you are finding it hard, getting drunk might help you.
  3. You now no longer see clutter. The clutter is there but the eye skims over it. Is that a book? And a sofa? Excellent. Have a little sit down and read. Mmmm…. Maximalism is so relaxing. Maybe have a biscuit later and a cup of tea.
  4. Some of you may be thinking that this could get unhygienic. I say, that is what your other senses are for. If you can’t smell a mess or other wise sense it (maybe your feet are sticking to the kitchen floor?) then it does not deserve your attention. Breathe deeply. If you can’t smell it no one needs to tidy it.
  5. Eventually you will move house and then you will need to turn back on your inner clutter eye. At this point you can just scoop all the stuff into bin bags and give it to Oxfam while the kids are at school.


*This is an ancient Hindi word meaning, ‘get the fuck out of my yoga class.’