While in quarantine from the Great Plague, Isaac Newton developed the foundations of calculus, optics, and the theory of gravity. I have also been very productive in quarantine, and here are my observations.
A body at rest remains at rest until acted on by a force, such as a 22 pound Dachshund who smells the jar of peanut butter the body fell asleep on.
This force is equal to the Dachshund’s mass multiplied by its acceleration under the couch.
The effect of watching “just one more” episode of Daytime Jeopardy is equal to the sum of the effects of watching…
Your daughter has just gotten her last period, at least for a while: the lining of her uterus is shedding, taking with it last month’s unfertilized egg. But that’s not all that’s happening: she’s snapping at you in the Target parking lot just for asking whether she and James are still trying!
The blastocyst implants itself in the uterine lining and the placenta starts to take shape, triggering a surge of hCG hormones that cause morning sickness. …
1. Always Write a Thank You Note
These are useless, and we both knew it.
2. Wear Sunscreen
Sun damage is no joke, but all this got me was a well-deserved eye roll. Who am I, our mother?
This is good advice, but my seventeen-year-old self ran away when I screamed it at her after materializing out of thin air in the park.
4. Start a Savings Account
Interest rates, inflation, and debt should be taken into consideration first.
5. Do What You Love
A great idea, I thought. This could keep my seventeen-year-old self from wasting nine…
“You have someone like Elizabeth Warren who thinks that the right answer is to break up the companies… look, at the end of the day, if someone’s going to try to threaten something that existential, you go to the mat and you fight.” — Mark Zuckerberg
As a big tech company, I know I look glamorous from the outside — glossy, carefree and deeply in love with myself. But nothing, even me, is perfect. It’s painful to admit, but at my lowest point, I even considered breaking up.
The cracks started small — personal data sold to political consultants here…
It’s us, horses. You’re obsessed with us. It’s creepy, and it needs to stop.
Sure, we had a nice summer together at Camp Sunbeam. And when you wanted to send us postcards afterwards from Philadelphia, that was cute.
But the nineteen posters on your walls? The hand-braided manes on your figurines? The manic doodling in your Stallions of the Southwest wall calendar?
We just don’t feel the same way about you.
Look, we get it: we’re gorgeous. The flowing manes, the wide-set eyes, the musculature. Meanwhile, your own hair is going through some rough hormonal stuff, your Neoprene…
Getting to know you
Getting to know all about you
Getting to like you
Getting to hope you like me
Getting to know you
All of which I’d be into
If work weren’t hella crazy right now
Don’t spring your friends on me
Don’t move my soaps too much
Don’t retweet my jokes too much
People will say we’re in love
We kiss in a shadow
We hide from the moon
Our meetings are few
And over too soon
We speak in a whisper
Afraid to be heard
So I’m a no for your brother’s wedding
But we should hang…
#9 | NYT Critic’s Pick | ⭐️ | American | $ | Lower East Side
“I just took a DNA test,” my host warbled. She rifled through a refrigerator, toppling towers of Tupperware. “Turns out I’m a hundred percent that bitch.” Ketchup packets cascaded to the floor.
Most emerging chefs would balk at such vulnerability, but not the owner-operator of #9, a daring new hub of minimalistic modern fare. Two verses later she emerged, Sriracha bottle in hand, and realized that her phone had discontinued its half of their duet.
“Battery,” she proclaimed.
Appeased, my host plucked three stray…
These critically endangered species spent millennia evolving to navigate their specific habitats — habitats that are rapidly disappearing. Instead of complaining about how much easier their grandparents had it, how about they take some initiative for once and learn to code?
Becs, I can’t wait for your big day!! When your college bestie asks you to DJ her wedding, you don’t say no — no matter how busy you are as the music supervisor for the Emmy Award winning Hulu series The Handmaid’s Tale!
As usual, I worked under the assumption that your friends and family are well-meaning but very, very stupid!
Hair & Makeup with the Bridesmaids: Girls Who Get Ready by Cosima
Some girls just wing it, but not you! You girls GET READY. …
software and satire