a depressed person quarantines at home
a depressed person quarantines at home
Photo by the United Nations on Unsplash

While in quarantine from the Great Plague, Isaac Newton developed the foundations of calculus, optics, and the theory of gravity. I have also been very productive in quarantine, and here are my observations.

A body at rest remains at rest until acted on by a force, such as a 22 pound Dachshund who smells the jar of peanut butter the body fell asleep on.

This force is equal to the Dachshund’s mass multiplied by its acceleration under the couch.

The effect of watching “just one more” episode of Daytime Jeopardy is equal to the sum of the effects of watching…

Expert expertise.

Photo by Camylla Battani on Unsplash

Week 0: Her Last Menstrual Period

Your daughter has just gotten her last period, at least for a while: the lining of her uterus is shedding, taking with it last month’s unfertilized egg. But that’s not all that’s happening: she’s snapping at you in the Target parking lot just for asking whether she and James are still trying!

Week 3: Implantation

The blastocyst implants itself in the uterine lining and the placenta starts to take shape, triggering a surge of hCG hormones that cause morning sickness. …

Photo by Dave Francis on Unsplash

1. Always Write a Thank You Note

These are useless, and we both knew it.

2. Wear Sunscreen

Sun damage is no joke, but all this got me was a well-deserved eye roll. Who am I, our mother?

3. Floss

This is good advice, but my seventeen-year-old self ran away when I screamed it at her after materializing out of thin air in the park.

4. Start a Savings Account

Interest rates, inflation, and debt should be taken into consideration first.

5. Do What You Love

A great idea, I thought. This could keep my seventeen-year-old self from wasting nine…

Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash

“You have someone like Elizabeth Warren who thinks that the right answer is to break up the companies… look, at the end of the day, if someone’s going to try to threaten something that existential, you go to the mat and you fight.” — Mark Zuckerberg

As a big tech company, I know I look glamorous from the outside — glossy, carefree and deeply in love with myself. But nothing, even me, is perfect. It’s painful to admit, but at my lowest point, I even considered breaking up.

The cracks started small — personal data sold to political consultants here…

Photo by Fabian Burghardt on Unsplash

Dear Kaitlyn,

It’s us, horses. You’re obsessed with us. It’s creepy, and it needs to stop.

Sure, we had a nice summer together at Camp Sunbeam. And when you wanted to send us postcards afterwards from Philadelphia, that was cute.

But the nineteen posters on your walls? The hand-braided manes on your figurines? The manic doodling in your Stallions of the Southwest wall calendar?

We just don’t feel the same way about you.

Look, we get it: we’re gorgeous. The flowing manes, the wide-set eyes, the musculature. Meanwhile, your own hair is going through some rough hormonal stuff, your Neoprene…

A man with an unbuttoned shirt, glasses and a beard holds a guitar
A man with an unbuttoned shirt, glasses and a beard holds a guitar
Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash

Getting to Know You

Getting to know you

Getting to know all about you

Getting to like you

Getting to hope you like me

Getting to know you

All of which I’d be into

If work weren’t hella crazy right now

People Will Say We’re in Love

Don’t spring your friends on me

Don’t move my soaps too much

Don’t retweet my jokes too much

People will say we’re in love

We Kiss in a Shadow

We kiss in a shadow

We hide from the moon

Our meetings are few

And over too soon

We speak in a whisper

Afraid to be heard

So I’m a no for your brother’s wedding

But we should hang…

#9 | NYT Critic’s Pick | ⭐️ | American | $ | Lower East Side

Photo by Michał Kubalczyk on Unsplash

I just took a DNA test,” my host warbled. She rifled through a refrigerator, toppling towers of Tupperware. “Turns out I’m a hundred percent that bitch.” Ketchup packets cascaded to the floor.

Most emerging chefs would balk at such vulnerability, but not the owner-operator of #9, a daring new hub of minimalistic modern fare. Two verses later she emerged, Sriracha bottle in hand, and realized that her phone had discontinued its half of their duet.

“Battery,” she proclaimed.


Appeased, my host plucked three stray…

Photo by Sergi Ferrete on Unsplash

These critically endangered species spent millennia evolving to navigate their specific habitats — habitats that are rapidly disappearing. Instead of complaining about how much easier their grandparents had it, how about they take some initiative for once and learn to code?

1. Leaf-Scaled Sea Snake

Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash

May the Lord Open

Becs, I can’t wait for your big day!! When your college bestie asks you to DJ her wedding, you don’t say no — no matter how busy you are as the music supervisor for the Emmy Award winning Hulu series The Handmaid’s Tale!

As usual, I worked under the assumption that your friends and family are well-meaning but very, very stupid!

Hair & Makeup with the Bridesmaids: Girls Who Get Ready by Cosima

Some girls just wing it, but not you! You girls GET READY. …

Catherine Elder

software and satire

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