. AS SIMPLE AS LOVE, AUSSI SIMPLE QUE L’AMOUR
LOVE HAD TEN FACETS FOR ME
I have found 10 facets in love, and there might be more for some of us, or less for others. It is not a math equation, nor a science, as the data coming from each of us, the circumstances, the age, the gender etc….would make the possibility to find love endless if not impossible.
So, my ten facets of love are the most reasonable, potentially realistic and possibly a chance given to meet love.
When one finds love, either he or she will possess some of those different facets of love, or at least, he or she will develop some of those. facets of love along the years, as none of them will last for ever. Love phases evolve and all of them have their pleasures and reason to be.
Each string of love fades to leave place to the next new stage of love, and my personal experience taught me that ten different steps may fulfill a successful love life.
When we are very young, we need each other, we spoon in bed, it is never close enough, we communicate, we live life fully and innocently.
It feels so good because we find normal and take everything for granted.
In the 70's we were getting married very young, if not too young certainly younger than today, therefore we were parents very young too, which was great in a way, for we did not question as much as we do today. But in another way, we were maybe less responsible parents too.
In that era everything was so different, we did not have the «none employment problems» and baby boomers were enjoying life at its best.
Love was easy, all we wanted was love and we took it, unaware of how fortunate we were.
We did not wonder if our love was going to last, we believed naively in this love in the moment, as youth often does.
After College it was common to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, marry him or her and pretty much soon after have the first child.
Of course did not have yet the financial ease therefore had to fight the way up to reach up to a comfortable way of living.
If you go back then in your memory, you will remember that, «la vie etait belle»…or…»life was beautiful»…We were very lucky.
First love was often tricky, as the conviction to be in love was so much based on the physical attraction, we did not know much, and the desire of one another to make love freely was «the unbearable lightness of being», as a quote and book title of Milan Kundera.
All these signs and sentiments were so easy to take for love and maybe confuse with love.
Today, young men and or women are giving priority to their careers, whereof they get to know more about having a relationship with a man or a woman, when and if they decide to do so.
People have more individual career ambition, more determination to be independent, consequently it would be frequent for someone to be 35 to 40 year of age, entering in a serious relationship and have children.
This is more «new» for women as it certainly did not belong nor took place. in their Mother’s era.
It is a generation which is more self and goal oriented, which makes plans for themselves and also gives me the impression that they want to try to choose their life, or at least they put everything in their favor, and maybe hoping for the best of their wish.
Planning a life time is a big ambitious project as there are limits to this idea. We all have a destiny which in part is in our power and in part is decided for us, that we like it or not.
Nevertheless destiny can also be our own decision to go in a direction at one point instead of pursuing where we are or even opt for another choice.
This may occur in our business life or in our personal life. We carry the responsibility to decide one way or another, which may change the path of our entire future. We do not always realize it then.
Also being more into themselves, when these couple have children, much later than we did, suddenly those coming babies who disrupt their habits in their lives, shake up seriously their balance and rhythm, as those new parents are loosing their own freedom in a bit.
Suddenly it is not about them, and it comes in a day. The pregnancy is not yet the real new life, it is the exciting period. This one day comes and they have to learn to give love to the new family member and to give priority to this new born baby.
So a serious adjustment has to take place, and they mostly all deal with it, because the love for the child is worth it and it is the awareness and discovery of giving love unconditionally.
It was unknown and surprisingly unexpected for them, but it is the step up to parenthood. No other child there after, leave such a huge imprint, as after you know, you expect most of what happens.
Midlife love, in my opinion has more chance to be successful, as we know ourselves better, we define better what we want and what we do not want. We give ourselves more chance to take the time to evaluate and or to have some control over a new «situation» or «rencontre».
Nevertheless we still can get fooled based on our family background and history, which unconsciousl makes us repeat family patterns.
We still have to remember that we learn from our mistakes… but do not always follow the rule…
Therefore, still not as simple, because expectations may lead to dreams, new partner’s physical appearance such as beauty, father or mother image attraction, brother or sister’s resemblance may comfort? the favor for a rich fellow, sometimes for security? impressed by a smart individual for a better status or recognition? a strong confident partner, a fun positive up lifting person… all those are «faux Amis» and may fool one who is looking for a relationship with a real & long lasting love.
I am not ruling out people who just want to take an opportunity to just enjoy and appreciate a limited love time span. Sometimes because they never found love, do not believe in it anymore, had a lost love, do not want or cannot commit, need the passion to continue and cannot cope when they loose it…
A multitude of reasons may explain this short term choice for some, and only those know why opportunities fit their needs.
They are opportunist, as for them it is not a question of how long it will last but how great the quality time, the passion and happiness will give them.
There is so much to be attracted the first time, from the first look, when, knowing so little or nothing about the personality and the history of the person we meet this very first time.
We call it «coup de foudre» in France, you call it «love at first sight…?» in English and this is to my opinion fabulously dangerous, when it comes to looking for a long term relationship with love.
One chance in a million will be the right match, it is like playing loterie! It is slim but possible…and of course why not believable.
Rarely what we see is what we get, I would even say that more often than we think, we may pass next to love, and will never know we did.
It seems to me that we should be more willing to find out what is inside a person rather than making up our mind based on what we see, beside and playing on words, there might be a lot of make up on what we see…
Some people are meant to give, they live for it, they feel good about it, and what they give to others give them so much that at the end they are in control of their needs.
Now some people have a strong need to receive, either because they grew up receiving a tremendous amount of love, or in reverse, they missed not to be loved and here they are greedy of affection and just looking for unconditional excessive love.
We should not rule out one or the other as all of us have reasons to be who we are, it has built inside our brain, unconsciously for several decades, and here we are and that’s what we are. But there is a match for everyone, and it may not be the match that we think or expect.
In either case, it is a question of finding love in a partner who would complement us, or understand us, and the difficulty (when two people meet for their first date) is to be 100% oneself, honest with oneself, accepting and liking ourselves in order to give the real & true image to this new acquaintance.
If the impression that one projects, the false information that one may give, tricking on his own data, it will be an instant or to come failure.
Having heard over and over, often from none successful couple, that conceding (concessions) in a couple is a must….well this is one’s personal opinion, as in opposite, I think that the success between two, is to allow both to be who they are, to allow each one to exploit and grow in their lives, to respect each others differences, and to gather and meet when and where they please. And an adjustment will take place.
And this kind of plan gives so much freedom to both that the desire to be together and share time, suddenly becomes essential.
When love predominates, each others defects and qualities turn into solely qualities. In this context, at this point, there is no such thing as criticism, doubts, or challenge as love is blind.
The best moment to fall in love is when two individuals are already fulfilled in their own separate lives. No expectations, as each own life is driven & balanced by the selves, satisfying them in all ways therefore a partner may only add to an already happy life. It would only be a plus.
My take on this is that we do not want or wish for love because we are lacking of anything, or missing anything in our actual life.
We certainly should not search or reach for love when we feel lonely, or after a brutal catastrophic situation such as a loss, a divorce or any psychologic chock which may add a depressed condition.
In fact no decisions at all would be advised in these cases.
DEVELOPMENT OF THE SUBJECT …..
ALL THE SENSES OF LOVE.
Support is important in the relationship. Nothing should be taken for granted. We all have strength and weaknesses, men and women.
Yes men can cry, and they should, they are aloud to have pain, they must be able to express it, to speak about it without feeling demasculinised and when and after having opened themselves freely, the respect of those words should remain private and not used against them as a weakness. This is one of the many complicities to share in a couple and to keep secret by respect of the other.
We all may encounter the same distress, but we may not show or exhibit it in the same manner.
WHAT IT TAKES TO BE STRONG
Women have been fighting so long, so hard for their justified place in this world and it is not over, there is still a long way to go.
Because of the power required from them to be heard, respected, and recognized for their value, in some ways they sometimes, to my eyes, have become ferocious, they still keep on empowering their attitude and appearance when it is not always needed.
They should have reached the level of confidence, at least for some, and show it by a calm and smart body language.
It is not easy to find the right balance between the softness, the reasoning, and the struggle when judged for being a woman or any minority.
In a more sensitive subject matter, how can those human being & soldiers connect to love, can love be serious in their mind? Can they relate? Will they ever reach for love? Is it humanly possible?
I think of the soldiers who went to war and who get to be so much disoriented when they come back in their families, in our country where none of us can relate to their pains.
They only know tuff, fight, violence, anger, loss, ugly visions which haunt them, serious mental stress disorders and I do not know myself how much their lives have become unlivable.
It is inhuman to go from extreme war conditions to a peaceful and naive world such as what we know in our cosy life in America
The brain cannot process those two utmost circumstances.
. (It seems that women and men young and elderly…? )
6/ FATHER OR MOTHER
7/ BROTHER OR SISTER
8/ AGING & PERSPECTIVE ON LOVE
This part of love is a soft and secure feeling. Health is not really an issue in our minds, still pretty energetic, traveling where we like to or where we have to, family gathering for being Grandparents, keeping busy and entering into the era of technology in a more interesting & active way.
Still lots of interests and stimulations to learn, discover and beside this absolute revolution to have the world in our hands, has become an endless curiosity.
Fighting to maintain a good health and physical condition, enjoying the best food, traveling less but still, everything becomes slower and not automatically in symbiosis, but it brings both to develop more patience and maybe leads to a little more independence in the daily activities to prevents the changes to disturb one another. At this point each one needs more their space, which was not a problem when younger and it is perfectly okay.
We still may not have plans per say but we still may be ready for unexpected adventure or desire to be surprised.
And yes, the spooning in bed left place to a very comfortable king bed size, even if hugs are still a must and a need.
When this love is still solid, in order for both to be peacefully serene, there is a need to feel that the other is happy. When and if one is seriously ill, or hurt him or herself, or get a bad news, making the other powerless, the happiness will fade away on both.
It is a little like being parents, we suffer when our kids have problems, when they fail, or when they are sick… The protective instinct and the incapacity to help hurts.
9/ HEALTH AND CARE
10/ MOTHER TO HIM
. WHAT LOOSING LOVE MAY ENGENDER
. WHEN AND IF LOVE TURNS INTO HATE