How am I supposed to be okay

How am I supposed to be okay,

With tears running down my face.

How am I supposed to be okay,

When my back feels like it’s on fire.

How am I supposed to be okay,

With the fact that I am in constant chronic pain,

From fibromyalgia.

How am I supposed to,

Praise God,

And be thankful,

That I am still in unbearable pain.

How am I supposed to be okay,

When I can’t sleep at night.

How am I supposed to be okay,

When I have to talk about the abuse I went through. …


I will probably just lie

If you ask me how I am doing,

I will probably just lie.

Because let’s be honest,

No one really wants the truth anyways.

People want you to says:

“I’m fine.”

“I’m okay.”

“I’m good.”

But no one wants to hear:

“No I am not.

I am dying on the inside.

I don’t know if I will ever be okay again.”

If you ask me how I am feeling?

I will probably start to cry.

Because I put my feelings and a box,

I avoid my feelings all day.

I finally face my feelings when you ask me that question. …


I’m not okay, and that’s okay.

Being real and honest with people these days is almost impossible. We all as humans love to lie when people ask you: “how are you?” Most people will say: “I’m fine,” “I’m okay,” “I am great, how are you?” But no one truly says how they really feel and that’s a problem. We as a society need to stop treating people like they are horrible if someone is depressed. Because depression and anxiety are huge problems that no one is talking about.

But I will.

So my name is Caty and I am not okay. I have been diagnosed with bipolar type one, major depressive disorder (depression), general anxiety, social anxiety, fibromyalgia, PCOS, and I am disabled. So no, I am not okay. I am very depressed. When I get depressed, it’s bad. Usually when I get depressed I end up in a mental hospital or have ECT treatments (if you don’t know what that is, then you are blessed). …


The Darkness

The sadness I feel,

There is no escaping it.

It follows me,

Everywhere I go.

The emptiness,

Makes me feel so hollow.

The suicidal thoughts,

Make me feel like I will get better.

That I am drowning in a sea of pain.

I am falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know if I ever get out.

I am in a pit of darkness.

There is no light.

I can never escape the darkness,

It follows me,

Everywhere I go.

The darkness,

Makes me want to kill myself.

The darkness,

Tells me no one will miss me.

I believe the darkness. …


The dark cloud over my head

There is always a dark cloud,

Over my head.

It never leaves,

And it never will.

The cloud follows me everywhere I go.

Sometimes the cloud is white,

And I feel okay.

But sadly that doesn’t last long:

Before the cloud has thunderstorms and rain.

It rains for days.

No matter what I do, I still feel the rain.

I’m not alright and I’m not okay.

The dark cloud is chasing me.

I can’t escape it.

I could try to run away,

But that would be pointless.

The cloud will chase me down,

And…


A Ghost Inside My Head

I have a ghost,

Living inside my head.

His name is:

Depression.

He tells me:

“You are worthless,

Useless,

Lazy,

Fat,

Ugly,

And stupid.”

He screams in my head:

“You are better off dead!”

I try to run from him.

But he follows.

I try to escape him.

But I can’t.

There is not escaping him,

Because he lives,

Inside my head.

I try to tell others about him.

They don’t understand.

They say:

“Stay positive, pray it away! Suck it up! People have it worse than you.”

But then Depression slaps me in the…


I will be okay, just not today

I should be fine.

I should be okay.

Finally,

Things are going my way.

So why,

Do I feel so empty?

Why do I feel so sad?

I can’t think of a reason for being sad.

I have no reason for this.

Everything is going great!

I just smile and pretend.

But all I feel,

Is sadness.

A type of sadness that won’t go away.

A type of sadness that Jesus won’t cure.

A type of sadness called depression.

I do have bipolar and depression.

I feel so numb and empty.

I should feel joy and happiness! …


I am drowning in a sea of never ending pain

The never ending pain,

Makes me want to disappear.

All the sadness I feel,

Makes me want to run away.

I’m so tired.

Tired of the constant unbearable physical pain.

Tired of all the tears.

Tired of all the sadness and depression.

Tired of crying to many tears.

Tired of wishing I was okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not alright.

If you ask me if I am okay:

I will cry.

I cry because fibromyalgia pain is forever.

I cry because I don’t want what to do anymore.

I cry because I try my damn best but it’s not good enough. …


Remember

****trigger warning: talks about abuse and rape***

But also talks about healing from it.

Enjoy❤️

Remembering,

The past,

Breaks my heart.

Remembering,

Being raped,

And abused.

Knowing,

The case was dropped.

How do I find peace?

How do I be happy?

Just watching a show,

Sending me into,

A breakdown,

And,

Remembering.

The past,

Haunts me.

I can’t stop the nightmares.

What he did to me,

Was unspeakably,

And,

EVIL.

I don’t know,

What to do.

How do I move past this?

I want peace.

I want happiness.

So I will talk about it.

I won’t let him take anything else away from me. …

About

Caty Lyle

I am Caty❤️ I am a published author, poetry writer, romance writer, blogger, Jesus lover, mental illness advocate, and chronic illness advocate💜💖

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