Killing It

tried once, didn’t work

i guess God still has some missions for me or He doesn’t want me to come home yet?

As i’m searching for the answer, i know life won’t stop and wait for me ’til i find the answer, therefore i keep living my life. At day i remain to try to be friendly and enjoy my life as a teenager,

you know! teenage life is the most fun part of being a human!

then at night, being a lone wolf by staying up and showering my mind with my endless questions about my existence and what else i can do for other people rather than mess up their life by simply being exist also cry when i feel like i want to explode until i fall asleep then wake up with even uglier looking potato head.

Relax girl! It’s just a phase! You will get used to it! You will be okay and someday you will just smile when you look back at these moments! xoxo

that’s what someone said to me when i asked about this matter. I trusted her, so i go with the flow.

But little does she know that i’m exhausted?

No, no, this is not the ones that has to do with taking a long ass nap. I’m sick of myself for everything that i have done to my life, my own self, my parents and other people.

I keep failing to do even such simple work’s. I hate that i mess up that much and it impacts my loved ones. I hate noticing the marks from the battle i have with myself the night before. I hate having anxiety and i’m sick of people keep telling me to “just stay calm and relax.”.

I hate that it’s complicated for me to communicating with people verbally as people normally do. I hate being distant with people who try to keep in touch with me due to my lack of ability to maintain it.

I hate knowing the fact that the only living being that i can blame for all of these is none other than my own fucking self.

I wanted to go home, i wanted to end all of these things already,

but you know what?

Time flies and a lot of things happen.

I met a lot of person, i have learned a lot from them and a few of them even affected my perspectives about life, but one thing still stay the same,

i still want to kill myself

i want to kill myself,

i want to kill the side of myself that keep me for hating myself and thinking that i’m not strong enough to endure all these rough progress in the world. I want to kill the side of myself that keep me for thinking that i don’t deserve happiness, i want to kill the side of myself that keep me for ensuring people to think i’m not worth for anything.

I learned that killing myself doesn’t mean i have to end my life. 
Why God didn’t let me to go home? because i still have things to be done, my existence in this world is still needed.

You have to know that i have not killed all of those side’s of myself but also, you have to know that i’m not going to give up, not today or tomorrow, next month or next year.

I believe that even i have failed that much, i deserve to be happy and i’m worth of life.

I was wrong when i say life is unfair because i think anybody have it easy.

Life is fair because it’s hard, rough, shitty and all the bad words you name it, for everyone. It’s just how the person manage to handle it.

but hey,
if i can handle it, so can you.

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