I’ve Been Drinking For Happiness To Fix Myself
My Mental Illness And Unhealthy Relationship With Alcohol
When I was 17 my psychologist told me he thought I either had Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Both sounded really serious and insulting, especially a “personality disorder”. There was no way I had these things, I thought. Although it was nice to know there was a reason for how I was feeling. He suggested I go see my regular doctor to get my depression under control, so I did. I was prescribed Zoloft to aid my suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, and sadness.
This was the second time in my life I had been suicidal. The first time I was 14. After my grandmother passed away, I dipped into such a dark place as I grieved her absence. At least that time I actually had a reason to feel so empty and so low. At 17, I was mad and angry that I felt so bad and wanted to die for no good reason. Everything was going well in my life. It didn’t make any sense. While I didn’t want to believe something was seriously wrong with me, when I was told it was clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder, I felt relief. There was some reason this was happening to me and it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t control it.
At 18, after a hypomanic episode and going into a depression, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and also told I was an alcoholic. I thought that was total bullshit. My doctor told me I needed to go to AA Meetings and quit drinking. I was a freshman in college and I thought that was insane. I told one of my friends and she encouraged me to listen to him and said she would go with me to meetings, but I ignored her good will. After all, everyone drank a lot in college, right? Most people don’t take their antidepressant with booze, though, and most people don’t like the idea that you black out when you drink with it, but I did. I was really angry with this doctor, so after seeing him a few times and him repeatedly telling me I was an alcoholic I stopped going to see him. I hated him, but maybe he was right.
Flash forward almost 20 years, and here I am still bipolar and still struggling with depression and drinking. I recently added a new antidepressant to my meds to help with my depression and anxiety. It has done wonders over the past few weeks. I am actually doing laundry and mostly keeping up with my hygiene. (Woohoo for the small wins!) About a month ago, when my depression was getting really heavy and the suicidal thoughts were knocking at the door, I knew I needed to stop drinking for a while. I didn’t drink when it was really bad for about a week, then I went back to self medicating. That’s the thing with alcohol. It’s so easy to drink to cover up your emotions, to numb them out, or make yourself feel brighter, or make things more fun, or drown out the anxiety in your mind. I drink for a lot of reasons but recently the main one was to feel a certain way and deal with the constant anxiety. It worked for a long time, then it stopped working and I still felt sad and depressed. That’s when I knew something had to change.
I had been getting worried about my drinking. The time spent thinking about drinking. The fact that I drank every day and had multiple beverages and I was drinking sometimes when I was working, and I was blacking out often. I wasn’t drinking to the point where I couldn’t function, but I was drinking more than I wanted and I was drinking for a reason that wasn’t healthy. I knew something needed to change about 4 months prior to actually doing something about it. I don’t think I am an alcoholic. I have an “off switch” most of the time, but other times it’s hard to stop after that first drink. I usually can stop when I’m not feeling completely desperate or I’m not in an uncomfortable social situation, which happens a lot since I have social anxiety. I especially worry about get togethers with people I know but don’t know really well. Then I just want to drink and drink so I feel calm and collected, but it usually leads to me drinking too much.
I’m currently working on drinking less. I have an app I use to track my drinking daily. I also have check-ins with coaches who help encourage me to stay on track. It hasn’t solved the problem, but I guess it’s helped some. A few months ago I went to a couple AA meetings. I felt desperate because I wanted to stop but couldn’t do it alone. I don’t know if the AA meetings are for me. I’ve done a couple online meetings this past week. It’s somewhat encouraging. I don’t know if I want to be completely sober, but I do know I want to really cut back, which is what the app is supposed to help me do. I want to be able to be in awkward situations without a drink in my hand. That sounds terrifying but thats the long term goal. I’ve been drinking for happiness and to deal with my anxiety one glass at a time. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to make it through the day without drinking or thinking about drinking. This is why they say “one day at a time.” This is the journey I’m on now. Thanks for joining.
Remember:
- Big changes start as small adjustments.
- You can do anything you put your mind to.
- Alcohol isn’t the answer.
- Love yourself most, so you can take care of yourself in a healthy manner.
