My Experience With Bipolar Disorder And Realizing My Super Power
Explaining My Symptoms And Some Of My Life
I was planning on writing about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and started doing some research to make sure I was going to be as accurate as possible. Then I went over to Google Docs to look for an old blog I wrote about Sexual Assault and I came across the following writing from 2016 or 2017 and it seemed perfect to share instead.
The PTSD publication is coming, but it was feeling really forced and I was second guessing how much I wanted to share personally, so suffice it to say it’s coming in the future when the time is right and I can sort out exactly what I want to share and how I want to share it.
Here’s what I uncovered:
“Having Bipolar Disorder is impossible to explain to the person who does not have this diagnosis. Trying to describe what it feels like is the equivalent of trying to describe the color chartreuse to a blind person.
To take it a step further, breaking down a manic episode, mixed episode, or a depressive episode is akin to describing the difference between pistachio green and mint green to this same blind person who has never experienced seeing anything but darkness.
There are no words to properly explain the experience of seeing these two colors nor are there words to properly break down the experience of living in a world so bright and exciting only to have it poisoned with the darkest dark imaginable. It’s even more unfathomable to explain the combination of those two worlds colliding at the same time.
I feel as though I am losing my mind, like my brain is a race car and I can’t slow it down. No matter what I do, the car goes faster and faster as the driving becomes more and more reckless.
My thoughts are frantic.
I can’t slow the thoughts down. Things are making perfect sense yet I comprehend nothing.
I’m crashing into a wall.
Something has to make this stop.
Transitioning from a manic state to a depressive state is like unexpectedly falling off a cliff. One minute you are great, on the highest mountain, then suddenly your footing has slipped and you have fallen to a bottomless depression.
For me, it’s a mixed state I [fell] into. This means I still experience the high energy that comes along with a manic or hypermanic state but the deep overwhelming negative depressive thoughts fly through my brain, making me very suicidal.
It’s a scary state to be in.
And scarier when you can feel the logical part of your mind quickly losing the battle with the irrational.
When I started my [previous] blog, I started it with a purpose.
My writing had a purpose and I found that I would write in a certain light with the intent of my audience perceiving it a certain way. I realize now that I cannot write in that manner and still remain authentic.
I can’t dictate what someone will take away from my writing. Writing with that intent takes away from the authenticity of it. Therefore I think my blog is going to be shifting to a more personal journal type blog.”
I completely relate to this right now. I start overthinking and I worry that my writing will be too depressing or heavy, but a lot of what I want to share is heavy. So I just need to let it be and let it be consumed in whatever way it’s processed by whoever takes their precious time to read my random thoughts. Thank you by the way! I treasure you!
Now back to the old ramblings…
“I recently agreed to run a half marathon with a friend of mine. Accepting her invitation over more than a couple beers without asking how long of a race I would be running was the first mistake I made. I hate running. I despise it. I can never get my breathing down correctly and sometimes I feel as though I am having a panic attack, so I have to stop and let my body calm down form the symptoms of running that feel like the beginning of a panic attack.”
[Side note: I never ran that race. I bowed out and the only way I will ever complete a half marathon is by running some and walking a lot.]
“There are too many starting points to this story.
Everything that happened was a new beginning or a fucked up twist.
Let’s start with the basics. The first time I could recognize depression I was 14. This was the first time I ruminated and was stuck on the idea of not waking up. I just wanted to sleep and never awake. I hated everything. I wrote about it all the time. I wanted to be dead.
At 17, it came back and I wanted to die but this time I had a plan. The suicidal ideation was pretty bad and I needed help to get pulled out of that pit. I was prescribed anti-depressants.”
This is pretty much where it stopped. I have no idea where I was going with this writing, but I’m guessing I was going to go through my chronological mental health journey to the present date in which that was written. That’s A LOT of writing and story telling.
Frankly, I think it’s too boring to just write about in a methodical sense so I’ll keep these newsletters coming as I break down my experiences with you in hopes of showing that you can make it through anything, too.
What comes next is 2 sexual assaults, PTSD, bipolar disorder, some agoraphobic tendencies, lots of panic attacks, a hospital, having a loaded gun pointed at me, thinking I was going to be shot and killed, the suicide of a dear friend, the tragic death of a loved one, and a few other things here and there.
See! I told you I had heavy stuff to share, but the other thing I can tell you is this:
I have made it through all the ups and downs and through the emotional turmoil and traumas and tragedies and I have discovered that resilience is my super power.
I once had a psychiatrist ask me what my favorite thing about myself was or what my greatest trait was and I proudly told her it was my resilience even after she had just diagnosed me with PTSD. I knew I was gonna make it to the other side, I just had to keep going, stay self-aware, and always strive to be pro-active in my care.
When I need help, I ask for it. Do yourself a favor, and follow my lead. It’s there, waiting for you. You just have to ask for it.
So if you’re reading this, remember:
- Resilience can be your super power, too.
- The heavy things may break us, but we can put ourselves back together.
- Always be gentle with yourself.
- Give yourself grace.
- And love yourself most because asking for help is a sign of true self-love and self-compassion.
What’s your super power? What have you overcome? What are you struggling with? I’d love to hear about your journey and take notes! Please share in the comments.
