White Lies, Black Lies, Blue Lies — Does Your Intention Count When You Say Things You Know to Be False?
First, this is not a political post — it highlights a leadership topic.
The “Science of Blue Lies” article from Scientific American and a deeper piece from the Greater Good Science Center provides powerful insight into truth and lies — I highly recommend both. But, to summarize: people and leaders say things they know not to be true for different reasons.
White lies — motivated by feelings of empathy and compassion, “No one will remember that you blew that decision / that discussion / your lunch; your food / hair / suits look great!” We learn these about age 3. I will call these “4U” lies.
Black lies — motivated by selfish feelings to gain something unearned or avoid deserved penalty, even if it means taking something valuable or evading accountability. We learn these about age 7. Let’s call these “4ME” lies.
Blue lies — simultaneously selfish and beneficial to others — but only to those who belong to your group. I condone or actively cheat for my team to win; I revile the opponent to motivate my team; I lie to cover someone else’s misdeeds, even taking the blame to enhance my status. We learn these as we grow through childhood. Let’s call these “4US” lies.
There is immense research on deception of self and others, deeply steeped in psychology, and an industry around teaching people how to detect it. HBR recently offered great advice on how to handle your boss lying or if they are deceiving themselves about their competence. But let’s keep it about you in your leadership role. When you consciously lie to others (and most people do — daily), is there a cost? Before you knee-jerk an “It depends,” let’s also consider the role of intentions and the impact they have.
4U Lies
Whether you’re protecting another’s self-esteem or a relationship, there’s impact if someone accepts a 4U Lie as a truth. If we try to balance praise with critique when someone is failing, they are often surprised when the hammer falls. If we withhold criticism of an incomplete idea, we enable waste if not failure. These are 4U Lies — told from a sense of compassion or a desire to avoid conflict. And this is where intention comes in.
Having a positive intention may not impact your core message, but it can impact your delivery and outcome. Intention is what differentiates a 4U Lie from tact. Being nice and insincere may take less effort, but being kind and sincere is more effective (“nice” is your attention to how you are perceived, “kind” is your attention to your intention). By the way, when people know you, they can generally tell when you’re being sincere.
So while 4U Lies may make others feel good in the moment, they have a way of diminishing your credibility over time.
4ME Lies
It would be easy to say that a selfish intention is what defines the 4ME Lie. But, it is not that simple. We can agree that overt unethical actions are obviously 4ME Lies and are easy to deal with. But research tells us that leaders think differently about their thoughts. Whether it’s a trait that precedes or arises with leadership, people in power self-validate their judgment. This self-validation is part of what makes a leader — vision, confidence, and charisma. Unfortunately, as Hogan’s Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic describes the research, about 80% of leaders think they are better than they are. On top of self-delusion, self-validation can create confusion of interests.
The more common 4ME Lies are when leaders confuse their interests:
“It’s good for me, and I’m good for the company, so it’s good for the company.”
These 4ME Lies often revolve around the use or allocation of company assets. As described in Forbes, Robert Shaw describes in Leadership Blindspots (2014 Jossey-Bass), how these kind of narcissistic traits are not uncommon to leaders. However, they can create a grey zone where decisions have a company purpose, but also a personal purpose — and that purpose is hidden or denied. That’s a 4ME Lie.
Another 4ME Lie involves shying away from accountability, “I didn’t make that decision, the team did.” Passing the buck when it’s yours is a 4ME Lie. The 4ME Lie on the other end is taking credit from or minimizing the contribution of others. Whether avoiding punishment or claiming false credit, both are 4ME Lies.
4US Lies
4US Lies are intended to bind together one group at the expense of another: 4U Lie + 4ME Lie = 4US Lie. 4US Lies are about belonging or not belonging with tangible benefits and penalties. Being “willing to lie” on behalf of others or a cause is sometimes admired, if only by those sharing that view. We see that in highly polarized environments like the current political environment. But we also see how 4US Lies can arise in organizations, for example in the midst of leadership-succession battles or a brass knuckles budget fight.
A typical 4US Lie is one that corrects a perceived or real injustice — we allow the falsehood because it serves a greater good. While very tempting to promote or allow an untruth to contribute to “the right” outcome, remember that untruth is a matter of fact and “right” is a matter of perspective.
remember that untruth is a matter of fact and “right” is a matter of perspective.
Allowing incomplete or “alternative facts” to stand in a meeting communicates that their use is acceptable as long as someone sees the outcome as right. The first time you are not that someone, you will appreciate the risk of allowing 4US Lies to stand. And if you have used them before, your credibility to challenge the 4US Lies of others is diminished.
Another 4US Lie is the one that divides loyalties. “I’ve got your back — she doesn’t” is a common one. The damnable thing about this one is that it actually contributes to the lie becoming true when those being told act as if it were true. The dysfunction this creates while leaders compete is eclipsed only by the loss of talent and engagement that occurs after the fight is over.
4US Lies are also the self-deception that occurs when unconscious (and sometimes conscious) biases are cloaked in “cultural fit.” Regardless of the nature of the diversity, “Some of my best friends are…” or “We have one of those here” or “They won’t be / haven’t been happy here” are all 4US Lies we tell to justify hiring and promotion decisions as well as unexpected departures. And 4US Lies can be told by anyone regardless of the target, particularly when not holding to them means no longer being one of “US.”
In our experience, 4US Lies are particularly pernicious because they cloak or blend a negative intention with a positive intention to increase one’s power through division.
The ultimate intention of the 4US Lie is to gain and consolidate power by creating anger, resentment, envy, or fear that mobilizes followers.
The 4US Liar may believe that he (or she) can win people back once power is established, or he may simply accept the attrition or resistance that inevitably follows victory achieved through these means. But even if he does win people back, the cost to performance and shareholder value is real and lasts for years.
Intentions Count — But Not for Everything
While researchers tell us we lie often, most of those lies are 4U. Our desire to belong and to lead leads us to maintain relationships with those with whom we want to belong or lead — and that’s a good intention. That said, regardless of why we lie — for You, Me, or Us — saying or not challenging things we know to be untrue has implications. We may achieve our intended outcomes, but even if they are just and good, we must see the potential for unintended future consequences. Lies — white, black, or blue — can be powerful weapons. But while they can win battles, they can’t win wars.
