Domestic Violence in Spain — Not a Good Place to be a Woman

It's February 1st 2020, I'm shivering in the street, outside my home in Coma Ruga Spain, in my pyjamas and slippers, waiting for the police to arrive.

I feel safe outside the house but I also feel sad, weak and ashamed. It's the fourth time I've called the police since arriving in Spain in April last year. I never expected to be in a situation like this. I don't want to be seen as a victim!

I came to Spain from the UK to start a new life after discovering my fiancé of 6 years had been a serial cheater. He had waited for me to fund the majority of a house in Spain in our joint names, before proposing to another woman. When that didn't work out, he followed me to Spain, (reneging on the agreement we had made that I'd live in and maintain the Spanish house) took up residence in the same house, and tried to make me go back to him. I refused. His behaviour became unpredictable and aggressive. He stopped paying his debt to me and tried to force me to leave the house.

As I wait in the street, my English speaking neighbours come out and I feel relieved. I hope they'll help me bridge the language gap. I'm stressed and in these situations I find it very difficult to articulate clearly. In any language.

The police arrive. I show them the film I've captured of my ex-partner, trying to take my phone away from me, bending back my finger and telling me to get out of the house.

They go to speak with him, and he demonstrates the same aggressive behaviour, shouting and yelling Eventually, after locking the police and me out of the house, he is taken off to the cells to cool off for the night.

The police say that he may get a restraining order, but I've been through this once before, and I have my reservations.

In June of the previous year, when he first came to Spain, he broke my bedroom door down, took and hid my car and heaped abuse on me. The incident was very frightening and I reported it to the police. They said that domestic violence, or "violence against women" as it is called here, was a top priority in Spain. I felt safe and reassured by their words. Until it went to court. The judge wouldn't give me time to speak, the interpreter was frankly unable to translate anything but the most basic information. The charges were thrown out. I'll never forget the judge’s final comment:

"It's his house, he can do what he wants".

Suddenly, I didn't feel like I was in 21st century Europe anymore. How could she say that? Yes. She. The judge responsible for this chauvinistic comment was a woman.

"It's his house, he can do what he wants".

He had terrorised me with an act of violence against our shared property, saying "That is to teach you never to close a door against me again" In Spain, is this not considered a threat?

I’ve been allocated a Victim Support Officer. "Don’t worry" she says to me in a cheerful tone. There will be another trial for the insults and taking your car. I said "He broke down my bedroom door and threatened me. You didn’t consider this worthy of action, so why take it further, wasting my time and yours? I will drop the charges. It seems you cannot protect me". They looked at me in surprise. "That is not possible. If you don’t go ahead with the second trial you’ll get a fine"

I went home, to the house where I no longer felt safe.

The second trail, 5 months later, was even worse. My ex was there. He gave his version. He had only broken down my door because he was worried about me, I was drunk. No, of course he had never, ever insulted me. And how sad it was that I had made such accusations against him. With his new girlfriend there to support him, he kept turning to her, with tears in his eyes, to show her how upsetting this all was for him. The judge dismissed the case. "It's his word against yours" she said. No one was interested in my evidence, the emails he'd written admitting to the damage and taking my phone and car, and even that the police had seen the broken door. I felt I'd been set up to fail.

My Victim Support Officer said " Next time you must try to record him, or get witnesses." The whole point was I didn't want a "next time". I considered going back to England.

My ex was victorious! He began telling everyone that I'd made false charges against him, I was crazy, vindictive and just making up stories to get him to leave the house.

My life continued to be a nightmare. He took all the house keys, including security gates and mailbox. He stopped paying bills. He left doors and gates unlocked when he went out. He hung his girlfriend' s underwear outside my door so that I had to walk underneath it, but when she was away he would prowl around at night looking in through the windows at me to see what I was doing. He accused me of witchcraft, called the police when he heard my neighbours testing their alarms and then accused me of plotting dastardly deeds against him. I put bolts on all my doors and covered all the windows. I avoided going into the garden.

So we return now, back to the street outside my house in February. My neighbours tell the police that they’ve heard him shouting insults at me in the past, and have seen him stalking me around the house. They offer to be witnesses. Today the police too have seen examples of his temper. I have the recording of him injuring my finger. They are positive that a restraining order will be granted this time.

An emergency hearing is scheduled for 10am the next day, which is Sunday. Very efficient, we think. My neighbours, who have now been formally requested to attend as witnesses have cancelled a their weekend plans to be here. At the court, we wait patiently. It’s a slow start. The judge arrives at 11:30 but then disappears until 13:00. She’s gone for coffee, I’m told. We wait...and wait. Finally I’m called in to testify. I start speaking, but am stopped before being able to finish. The judge looks bored. There is no interest shown in seeing the witnesses. The decision is announced. No restraining order. A trial is set for the following day.

My lawyer tells me the judge said: "He has another woman now. Therefore he is not a threat"

I can't believe it. I've just lost any remainder of hope that I may have had in the Spanish judicial system.

My neighbours, who have sat waiting patiently all day for nothing, are told they now must attend a hearing the next day. I'm starting to feel very bad that they have been involved in this.

We duly attend court the following day. Now my neighbours have postponed work meetings in order to attend. I’ve started a new job and feel anxious about taking a day off so soon. But it will be worth it, to resolve this situation, right?

Wrong. After waiting for 3 hours we are told that after all, there will be no hearing today. Yes there will be a trial, but not until September, seven months away. With all the evidence it will likely lead to a prosecution. "And a restraining order." Says the Victim Support Officer, to cheer me up.

We plan to leave. But... "Wait" says the Victim Support Officer. "Your ex partner is out in the hall with his lawyer. You must not go out or you will see him. I say to her "But...I’m going home to him! Don’t you guys get that?"

The next day I read through the court papers. To my surprise, I see that the documents for the restraining order fail to list any of the key facts, not even one. No mention of the injury to my finger, no mention of him locking out me and the police.

I tell my lawyer I wish to appeal. He says he doesn't recommend it because the appeal process will take longer than to the time it takes to go to trial.

I also notice that the names, address, dates of birth, and IDs of my witnesses are clearly displayed in the documents that will be read by my ex partner.

"What about data protection? We ask my lawyer. "Is it normal that these personal details are shared with the defendant that they are testifying against?" " Yes" he says.

As a woman experiencing controlling, bullying and manipulative behaviour from an ex partner I am not unique. It is hard to explain the psychological impact that this experience, still ongoing, has had on me. It took a lot of courage for me to even go to the police in the first place. For many women it can be impossible.

I am lucky. During Covid 19 lockdown, as I write this, I am alone. I don’t know where my ex- partner is, but he is not here. This is the first time in over a year that I have felt free from stress, the racing heart every time I hear a noise in the house, the panic every time I see him staring out at me from a window. Or staring in at me, through a window! The heavy feeling in my chest has gone, at least for now. I feel light and free.

So my heart goes out to all the women in much, much worse situations than mine, who are trapped, both physically and psychologically, with abusive and controlling spouses and partners.

For me, for them, it is so important that the courts get it right. Judges should be sensitive to those they are serving, understanding that narrative could be very difficult. They should know how to ask the right questions in order to gain insight into a situation. This is basic. They are judges, after all! In my case for example, I had quite a lot of evidence to prove my ex partners actions, but I wasn’t even given the opportunity to show it.

There is a pervasive attitude I’m sensing, unless the victim is killed or beaten nearly to death it is not considered to be “that” serious. And then, after yet another life is taken, we shake our heads sadly when the events leading up to it are revealed.

My partners lack of acceptance of our breakup, despite having initiated it with his own actions, and subsequent behaviour, exactly fits the psychological profile that is likely to escalate into something worse. Did I mention that he has a previous conviction for breaking the jaw of a police offer? And that I’ve seen him put his hands around someone’s throat when in a rage?

The fact that he was let off the first time, has only supported his belief that he is the real victim of the situation and I am the evil one who deserves all that he has subjected me to.

Also, knowing how important witnesses are in cases of domestic violence, to waste the witnesses’ time in the way that mine were, was really disheartening.

Never mind about compromising their privacy by revealing their personal details to an unstable and potentially vindictive neighbour. Will they come forward again, after 3 days of attending court all for nothing? Unlikely.

As I said before I am lucky. I am slowly but surely building a new life for myself. I have a job, I am making progress, slowly, with the language. I have made friends. There is just so much to love about Spain and its people. I don’t want to run away from the situation I’m in, or for my ex partner to think his bullying behaviour has paid off. But I need the intelligent support and understanding of the courts to make this happen.

And I'm not convinced that I'll get it.