We often struggle in Western culture with the idea of ‘ego.’ It’s a slippery, psychological concept that seems to mean different things to different people. Freud described ego as part of a personality trio — the ego, superego, and the id. The ego’s job is to mediate between the id’s instinctual desires and the realities of life as a social creature. When successful, the ego is like a rider steering a horse in the right direction.
Today, however, we more often use the word ego to describe someone who is full of themselves. Someone who is an “egomaniac” is self-absorbed and obsessed with getting more for themselves despite the costs to the people around them. You might be cornered at a party by someone who talks nonstop about their accomplishments, wealth, kids, cars, houses, latest trips without once asking about you. You might think to yourself, “Man, what a shallow jerk. He is all about shoring up his own ego.”
What Is Ego?
With spiritual practices like Buddhism, eliminating suffering through conquering the ego and embracing our true self is a central goal. Ego gets in the way of our happiness. It is overly preoccupied with our survival, accumulation, and success and works to build an identity that both sets us above everyone else and helps us to fit in. Ego is our false self, the person we become so other people will like us, admire us, and accept us.
Ego is also who we tell ourselves we are without question or who other people have told us we are. Ego is what comes after the “I am.” I am smart. I am pretty. I am fat. I am American etc.
Ego is also the accumulation of all of the survival mechanisms we’ve learned since birth. For instance, that jerk at the party may have grown up with parents who ignored him until he won a trophy or brought home straight A’s. As a result, he bought into the lie that he is only as worthy as his latest accomplishment or accumulated toy. He’s spent his life trying to earn the respect of everyone he meets, even strangers at parties, perhaps never pausing to become aware of the ‘why’ behind his actions.
Who Cares About Ego?
So what, you might say. Healthy human beings need a strong sense of identity to survive, lead, and form attachments. How else will we know where we belong? And what’s so terrible about getting the newest Tesla or building that dream business or being proud of our kids? Isn’t that normal?
While none of these things are bad in and of themselves, over identification with our ego without awareness can be disastrous to our relationships and our world.
For an example of the damage inflicted by people in the grip of a colossal ego, look no farther than our current president. The only thing both Republicans and Democrats seem able to agree on about Trump is that they wish he would act more presidential.
I don’t want to get too sidetracked by dissecting Trump’s most recent embarrassing Tweet or rant or leaks by staffers describing him as a micromanaging control freak child unable to tolerate the smallest perceived threat to his ego. So I’ll just leave it at that.
Progressives don’t get off the hook though. They can be just as guilty of over identifying with their ego. I have a colleague that I’ve only interacted with three or four times. Each time, however, she has spontaneously informed me that she is a liberal, as liberal as they come, and proud of it. Every conversation becomes one about her high ideals. She seems to take pleasure in railing against the close-minded conservatives ruining our country. Meanwhile, in our interactions I’ve found her to be just as deeply judgmental, critical, and close-minded to any ideas not her own, which makes her difficult to work with much less like. She’s completely identified with the idea of “I am a liberal,” which allows her to feel superior while avoiding having to face her own issues.
That’s not really so surprising. Ego often disguises itself as virtue, which is why it so difficult for us to recognize it.
A deeply religious person may spend their entire life trying to convince other people of his religion’s beliefs. He makes all kinds of sacrifices and tells himself it’s for the betterment of the world, when in fact he’s really just serving his ego’s desperate need to be superior.
Charitable workers may exhaust themselves giving to and serving the needy. On the outside, they seem like saints. However, if the reason they’re working with the needy is to shore up their own vision of themselves as the saviors of the world then they’re really only serving their own ego.
The Young Ego and the Wise Elder
It’s a normal part of human development for young children to be egocentric. As they mature into adults, however, they learn what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Ideally, by the time they reach old age they are much wiser and more mature, balanced, and aware.
That’s the normal trajectory. In our culture, however, somewhere along the path from birth to old age many of us get stuck. I think that’s Partly because we don’t give credence to the role our ego plays in our lives.
For instance, we react badly to criticism. Then we feel guilty, as if we’re bad people, morally and spiritually. We stuff down our discomfort and hide it and berate ourselves. Worse, we determine to never let it happen again, then are shocked and horrified when it does. And the cycle goes on and on until we convince ourselves that we will never change.
If we instead learned to recognize our unskillful reactions for what they are — an indication of an area where our ego is at play— we might begin to develop a stronger sense of self and awareness. But more on that later.
How to Recognize Our Ego
First, let’s dive a little deeper into the specific ways we can learn to recognize our ego. Eckhart Tolle brilliantly describes ego in his book, A New Earth:
“An ego that wants something from another — and what ego doesn’t — will usually play some kind of role to get its ‘needs’ met, be they material gain, a sense of power, superiority, or specialness, or some kind of gratification, be it physical or psychological. Usually people are completely unaware of the roles they play. They are those roles. Some roles are subtle; others are blatantly obvious, except to the person playing it. Some roles are designed simply to get attention from others. The ego thrives on others’ attention. . . such as recognition, praise, admiration, or just to be noticed in some way, to have its existence acknowledged.”
Ego, says Tolle, drives our need to be special and superior or in some way set apart from ‘others.’ While in the grip of our ego, we will even use other people to get what we want.
Here are some of the other ways ego might show up in our lives according to Tolle:
— complaining, bitterness, and resentment
— people pleasing or demanding/needing respect
— materialism, accumulation, and greed
— competition, a need to dominate others
— dissatisfaction with what we have
— vanity or self-hatred
— judgments and opinions
— superiority and prejudice
— defensiveness, feeling attacked
— inability to take criticism; being overly critical of others
— desiring hierarchy over egalitarianism
— dualistic, black-and-white thinking
Each behavior stems from our ego trying to satisfy its need for attention and desire for fulfillment. Ironically, one of the key characteristics of ego is that it is never satisfied.
The “I Am Not Enough” Hustle
That’s because the core “I am” message from our ego is, “not enough.” I am not enough. But also I can not have enough. I can not do enough. Our ego is always hustling for more. We walk around with vague feelings that we don’t measure up no matter what we do.
Our ego is never satisfied with what we already have and causes us to become anxious or even depressed when we aren’t actively working toward the next accomplishment, goal, relationship, or other object of desire. So we keep working, keep accumulating, keep striving, while our environment, relationships, and bodies pay the price.
Past and Future Tense
Likewise, our ego is uncomfortable in the present moment. In fact (spoiler alert), awareness of the present moment is the death of ego. Our ego is at play when we find ourselves wrapped up in obsessive thoughts about the past. How someone wronged us. What we wished we really said in retort. How miserably we failed at something. How much they let us down. Ego is equally fixated on the future — the next vacation, the perfect relationship that might never happen, the dream house, or retirement.
The ego loves certainty. It loves being in control. It loves feeling special. It loves attention. It loves being right and having something to look forward to. What the ego hates? Now. This present moment right here.
Not a believer in the power of the present moment? Try sitting still for 20 minutes doing nothing. I mean absolutely nothing but breathing and being alive. Not thinking. Not plotting. Not even having ‘you time.’ Just do nothing without any purpose and watch how nuts it makes your ego. Forget 20 minutes. Try it for five minutes.
The first time I tried this I thought I was going to come out of my skin. I ended up feeling enraged, which woke me up to how strong my ego really is. I thought, “Wow, that little dictator really doesn’t like it when I stop listening to him.”
Making Peace with Ego
I don’t mind calling my ego names, but I’m not a big fan of talking about killing it. We’re already too often at war with ourselves, and there is nothing the ego loves more than a good fight. And while some monks spend decades meditating to achieve freedom from their false self, most of us don’t have that kind of time.
Instead, we can build regular practices into our lives that bring awareness to our egos, ground us in the present moment, and free us from reactive egoic patterns that cause harm to us and our world.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation is all the rage right now, but there’s good science behind it. Meditation can reduce stress and increase happiness. Mindfulness meditation has the added benefit of making us more aware of the present moment and the thoughts that habitually cross our minds. Mindfulness meditation also helps us to slow down and pay better attention to our lives. We can then become more aware of the roles we’ve learned to play but that no longer serve us well.
Present Moment Awareness
Tolle says, “All that is required to become free of the ego is to be aware of it, since awareness and ego are incompatible. Awareness is the power that is concealed in the present moment.” Drawing our minds back to the present moment each time our thoughts threaten to slip into the past or run ahead to the future is a powerful tool. Being present in the now keeps us from becoming overwhelmed by our ego’s relentless demands.
Gratitude
Ego is always hungry for more and loves to tell us that we are never enough. So gratitude is another powerful tool we can use against ego. When we begin to feel as if we’re missing out or failing to measure up, we can take a moment to express our gratitude for what already is.
Curiosity
Ego is given to flying off the handle, behaving reactively, and getting defensive. When we feel our ego being triggered, instead of berating ourselves for not being mindful or more mature, we can exercise curiosity.
It’s difficult at first to become curious in the moment. With practice, we can look back on our worst reactive moments. Then we can say, “Huh, my ego reacted really strongly. I wonder what that was all about?” Often, if we stay open and curious we can uncover some really important but spurious messages we’ve told ourselves about our identity and begin to work to let them go. Only when we can uncover the root of our reactions will we see real change.
Resist Defending Our Ego
Tolle warns that the ego does not respond well to criticism and will react by becoming defensive or accusatory. This only further strengthens the ego but hampers our personal growth. Instead, as difficult as it sounds, Tolle advises that we resist the urge to jump to our own defense right away and instead simply absorb and consider the criticism. Or as Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek.” That way when we do finally react it comes from a place of awareness and not ego.
Loving Kindness
Ego wants us to feel superior to other people. So as we start to grow more aware of our own ego, we’ll most likely begin to recognize it at play in other people and start to feel a little smug. So we should resist the urge to force enlightenment on others. Instead, we can exercise patience and kindness, remembering that everyone else is on the same journey and that not so long ago we walked in their shoes.
The Reward
The reward for all of this ego work is that you will uncover your truest self. When you’re no longer being driven to distraction by your ego, you’ll find you have more energy and peace of mind. You’ll be more creative and more at peace with yourself and those around you. Most importantly, you’ll find more joy in the present moment and begin to truly enjoy your life. What better reward is there?
