Shocking DNA Test Results Reveal Nothing Interesting

Thousands of genealogy enthusiasts have found themselves regretting their new-found interest in tracing their ancestry. The culprit? Mail-in DNA tests.

The popularity of these at-home DNA testing has exploded in popularity, particularly amongst those without friends or hobbies. The process is simple and disgusting – you hawk a loogie into a tube, put it in a box, then mail it off to company that hopefully doesn’t (but probably does) archive your DNA and sell the information to the highest bidder.

But why exactly are people paying to slobber into a piece of plastic? For some, the possibility of uncovering lurid family scandals outweighs the threat of the government forever being able to find them forensically. However, many end up not getting the results they hoped for.

“I spent sixty bucks to learn I have the most boring family ever,” laments Ryan Simion of Newark, Ohio. “I was really hoping for a secret brother or sister – or even a second cousin! Now the holidays are going to be as boring as they always are. At least I had a coupon.”

Others are hoping against all odds to discover something in their history that will finally set them apart from everyone else, like the blonde, blue-eyed Emily Yoder of Bamford Pennsylvania.

“It literally shows my family is like 90% from England or whatever. I think maybe they switched my test with someone else, because there’s just no way,” Emily mused. “I get, like, really tan in the summer.” Emily plans on contacting the company just to make sure.

How many more will be disappointed? Only time, and gallons more spit, will tell.