Bad Hilary Duff Fan

Hilary Erhard Duff (born September 28, 1987)

I embrace the label of a bad Hilary Duff fan because I am human, just like Hilary Duff once was. I am messy, unlike Hilary Duff. I’m not trying to be an example for the youth of the world like we all know Hilary Duff is. I am not trying to be perfect like Hilary Duff. I am not trying to say I have all the answers about Hilary Duff. I am not trying to say Hilary Duff was justified in what she did to that poor poor family of 12. I am just trying — trying to support my belief in Hilary Duff, while spreading the word of Duff to the drooling masses, while trying to be myself: a man who loves our lord and Savior Hilary duff, and appreciates her work post Lizzie McGuire even though he knows, he knows it is terrible for men and women to consume it in any way shape or form.

I am a bad Hilary Duff fan because I never wanted to be made club president for life of her fan club. I am a bad Duff boy because I only own 17 copies of her 2002 Magnum Opus, the Christmas themed album Santa Claus Lane. I am a bad Duffer because I find myself enjoying her performance in Cheaper by the Dozen 2 less than her subtle nuanced performance in Cheaper by the Dozen 8: Here We Go Again! I am a bad Hilary Duff fan because I fell into being the high priest of the Church of Duff. High priests should be good at sacrificing children in the name of our dark lord Hilary Duff- I regularly fuck these sacrifices up, and the kids get away all the time — I wish I could just be a regular priest at the Church of Duff. Ugh.

I try to keep my Duffism simple. I know Duffism is complex and evolving and flawed. I know Duffism will not and cannot fix everything. I believe in equal opportunities for all Duffs. I believe in a Duffs right to vote. I believe that little Duff’s should be allowed to frolic with Big Ol’ honkin’ Duff’s. I believe Duffism is a choice and that if a person does not want to be a Duffist it is their right, but it is still my responsibility to physically fight them until they start listening to Hilary’s last album, 2015’s Breathe in. Breathe Out. I believe that Duffism should not be just for Americans but for all people under Hil Duff’s gold sun. Even the people living in their Duff free caves and their anti Duff zones underwater shall one day feel the loving yet hateful caress of the Duffster herself. I believe in forgiveness for those who strayed from her flock, even the misguided Avril Lavigner’s, the Abhorrent Ashlee Simpsonians, and the poor Lindsay Lohanites. All shall one day embrace the Duff.

Her wrath upon the non believers shall be swift and righteous.

I apologize to nobody for what I’ve done in the name of Hilary Duff. That being said, I don’t think I’ve had a good nights rest since Agent Cody Banks came out. I am ashamed of my ignorance of Hilary’s sister Haylie Duff’s discography. I fear that one day Hilary and Haylie will descend on me, their dark wings blotting out the sun, and they will force me to listen to their rendition of Our Lips are sealed until the skies go black and the universe is no more and the only sound I am left with is the sound of my own screaming. Only then will she release me. Only then shall I truly be free.

I wish I could disavow Duffism. I wish my lord the Duffster herself would allow me to watch, read, listen to, and eat non Hilary Duff products, but I know that day will never come. I get angry when I see others disavow Duffism because I was never given that choice. The Duff was always with me.. They merely adopted it. I wish that Hilary Duff never came into my life.