I was thinking today of how I’m back to the single life… the paradoxes of quality choices for potential mates, waiting, hoping for a moment of time to meet & linger in any particular space together…
As I mediated on how my love for you has left me in contradictions… how was it possible that having felt such tremendous love for you made me the best version of myself and left me (once again) unable to remember precisely how it is that I came to love anyone romantically in the first place.
The thought of dating again leaves me simultaneously, anticipatory and empty… a tidal wave of mixed emotions.
Perhaps that is besides the point as I move forward without you.
I realize now watching you walk away motivated me to live for me… to remember to fully love myself and stop hoping that someone else would find me more lovable than I found myself.
The irony is that your presence showed me it was possible to love again. Specifically to love again in that big, life altering sort of way.
Before I met you, I doubted I would ever love again. I’d called off a long term relationship with my college sweetheart and I realized one broken engagement was enough for a lifetime.
Many dates & suitors layer, .. A year’s time to be precise, you stood behind me at a concert.
Quickly, our friendship blossomed alongside our chemistry.
You were a completely reckless choice…just my type really. Tall, tanned & as impulsive as you were charming, dripping with sarcasm in moments & utterly withholding all emotion in others…
You earned my trust almost instantly. I couldn’t have stopped you from stealing my heart.
Your love came like a thief in the night…and there was no denying it. I tried again and again unable to say the words aloud but I felt them like a physical presence… they took up real estate and I was powerless to escape.
So I’m the end, I’m healing. I’m loving myself & re-establishing hobbies… I’m finding my flow again, in work, in school, in endorphins…
I’m reconnecting with myself and even though I put all the stories and moments together redundantly, my brain working to make sense of it all, overlapping the images like moss on a damp tree… I see the beautiful blue eyes, chiseled jawbone & sharp wit… the charming & utterly safe (aka non-committal you) … that one trait I always seem to be looking for)
I see how I chose it simultaneously when I chose you and I see how loving you only to let you go was the very best choice for finding me.