You asked if I’m mad at you
and I don’t know what to say
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Sometimes I’m entirely indifferent
Sometimes I just miss you and then, definitely yes!
Why don’t you live closer?
Why do you have to move in a year?
Why is liking you so impractical?!
And I hate missing you
It’s not a vague sense of missing someone or some loneliness for which “you” are a metaphor … or placeholder
It’s annoyingly specific thoughts of you, fleeting and not so common reminders
For wanting to try
And then choosing to be “practical” instead
I never imagined we’d become friends too…
We were lovers already
And my life was fine in the days between our visits
But when I was to see you,
I was on pins & needles with anticipation
Every hour away was too many
The minutes ticked by too slowly and the miles between us couldn’t be sped up
Then, I waited impatiently for the soft, intimate tone of your voice when we’d meet.
A tone reserved for private moments, exclusively for me
… or the friendly tone and tired smile when you’d finally arrived
I never had a plan for us
It started out on a whim
A simple invitation
To be “friends”, I said
But truly I had no idea then I’d care for you
Or find moments in your company realizing you were responsible for my smile
I craved your physical affection
No one else’s touch would do
Not a theory I needed or wanted to test
Everyone else would simply fall short…
I missed your unique presence too
the carefree way yours eyes crinkled in the corners when we laughed together
The way you always wanted to please
How I shared that sentiment
How well that reciprocity worked …
The way you made absolutely (inappropriately!) copious amounts of eye contact while we were intimate…
you watched me so intently then but this propensity towards careful, selective attention was your nature…
I met your gaze and reveled at the sexiness of it all…
There were other things of course too but I’ll stop here.
So the simple answer is
(*I wrote this sometime ago, but I still think it’s a beautiful piece so I decided to share it. )