You asked if I’m mad at you

and I don’t know what to say

Sometimes yes, sometimes no

Sometimes I’m entirely indifferent

Sometimes I just miss you and then, definitely yes!

Why don’t you live closer?

Why do you have to move in a year?

Why is liking you so impractical?!

And I hate missing you

It’s not a vague sense of missing someone or some loneliness for which “you” are a metaphor … or placeholder

It’s annoyingly specific thoughts of you, fleeting and not so common reminders

Yes, again

For wanting to try

And then choosing to be “practical” instead

I never imagined we’d become friends too…

We were lovers already

And my life was fine in the days between our visits

But when I was to see you,

I was on pins & needles with anticipation

Every hour away was too many

The minutes ticked by too slowly and the miles between us couldn’t be sped up

Then, I waited impatiently for the soft, intimate tone of your voice when we’d meet.

A tone reserved for private moments, exclusively for me

… or the friendly tone and tired smile when you’d finally arrived


I never had a plan for us

Clearly!

It started out on a whim

A simple invitation

To be “friends”, I said


But truly I had no idea then I’d care for you


Or find moments in your company realizing you were responsible for my smile

I craved your physical affection

No one else’s touch would do

Not a theory I needed or wanted to test

Everyone else would simply fall short…


I missed your unique presence too

the carefree way yours eyes crinkled in the corners when we laughed together

The way you always wanted to please

How I shared that sentiment

How well that reciprocity worked …

The way you made absolutely (inappropriately!) copious amounts of eye contact while we were intimate…

you watched me so intently then but this propensity towards careful, selective attention was your nature…

I met your gaze and reveled at the sexiness of it all…

There were other things of course too but I’ll stop here.

So the simple answer is

Sometimes, yes.


(*I wrote this sometime ago, but I still think it’s a beautiful piece so I decided to share it. )

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