I believe I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I know it is no longer called that. It is now considered part of autism spectrum disorder. I say Asperger’s only because it is a better-known name. I am entirely self-diagnosed and at 70 feel no need for this to be confirmed. I am who I am and it’s probably far too late for any kind of therapy to help.

For me the hardest part of Asperger’s isn’t the lack of routine human interaction. I’ve never had a friend and don’t want one. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. I have also been very successful in my career and have no financial worries. Imagine entering the computer field in 1975 with a B.S. degree in computer science! Talk about the right place at the right time. I was attracted to computers because I mistakenly thought it meant that I could work with machines instead of people.

What has been the hardest part has been my romantic life or lack thereof. I am a heterosexual cis male who managed to graduate from both high school and college without a date, without a kiss and without even holding a girl’s hand. In those days I would sometimes hear the old Beatles song “I want to hold your hand” on the radio and think to myself that I wanted to hold any girl’s hand. My failure wasn’t for lack of trying but I was always turned down. I know I was misunderstood because I was this straight A student (and not afraid of showing it in the classroom) who didn’t give a damn about sports and didn’t have any friends. Who would want to go out with me?

I thought that things would get better once I finished school (with all its associated drama) and was out in the business world. I was too optimistic. My self-confidence at that point was so low that I only asked out a woman once and was turned down yet again.

Another thing that makes me think I’m an aspie is my difficulty reading body language. One day I was on a bus returning home from work. The bus was standing room only. I think the only way they could have put on more people would have been to stack them in the luggage rack. I noticed a woman staring at me and thought that I recognized her. At that time, I still lived very close to the town where I had attended high school. In high school I had developed a great big crush on a girl who sat next to me in a math class but of course couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I think this was the same woman and that she had also recognized me and was trying to get my attention. Instead, when a seat became available, I pointed it out to her. I thought I was just being polite but instead of saying “thank you.” She walked over to the seat and threw herself into it in obvious frustration. To this day I regret how that worked out.

All is not doom and gloom in Aspie World. Given the right set of circumstances and a bit of luck (or in my case a massive coincidence) things can work out for the best. I know this will be hard to believe but every word is true.

I began my career as a computer technical support specialist back in the days when “computer” meant a large mainframe and one of the customers I supported employed a woman named Marge in their computer department. Marge and I talked frequently but only about work. As usual I couldn’t bring myself to mention any interest in her. One day I was hired away by another customer and that was the end of seeing Marge. At that point I decided to move closer to my new job so I wouldn’t have to drive as far. I found this nice apartment complex consisting of three high rises and rented an apartment. Here comes the massive coincidence. One day I’m driving home from work and who do I see walking in the front door of the building I lived in? Marge!! I had accidentally moved into the same building where she lived. It must have taken something like that to get me to make a move on her. I lived on the sixth floor and she lived on the ninth, which was something that would come in handy later. It still took a while but after some dates I finally lost my virginity at the age of 26 to the woman who would eventually become my wife.

Aspies aren’t immune to the psychological consequences of such a landmark event. My final story may cast me in a bad light but consider that Marge and I had not yet decided to get married and after we did she would sometimes tell this story and laugh about it. It is not entirely relevant to my essay but if I’m going to discuss my history I might as well include it.

It seems that after what happened I was finally feeling my wild oats.

On a Friday afternoon at my new job, they were holding a going away party for a woman who had occasionally tried to flirt with me (not that I would have noticed). Typically, I’m not a big fan of parties but she insisted that I attend so I did. At the party she was doing things such as sitting on my lap and pulling the ends of my tie. Even I could understand the message she was sending so we left together, went to her apartment, and nature took its course. This was never more than a one-night stand and never a secret from Marge. The next morning, she saw me coming home, smiled and said “coming home on Saturday morning still wearing your suit and tie? I know what you were up to!” What followed was 39 years of a normal marriage with its share of ups and downs until her death at 69 in 2021.