Unknown

Dating a stranger is so…strange. I seemed to stay in the comforts of friends of friends, classmates – someone I could trace back to a point of origin. But here I was gazing into this foggy mirror trying to figure out if he would be able to detect the nauseating nervousness in my eyes. This is my 1st date in years, maybe in ever and in all actuality it was blind. Aside from a few online pictures and bbm conversations, I had no clue who this man was. I had no clue who I wanted him to be. Sprayed on too much perfume and slipped on my shoes. Legs of a new born calf shuffle to my car. There’s always something cinematic about crossing the FDR on a clear night – I search the radio stations for what would be the perfect soundtrack. The buzz from my phone resting in the sticky cup holder drags me back to the now. It’s my boyfriend…….

Funny, this life thing – ain’t it? After almost three years of Grade A drama and heartache with this man – I finally turned cold. I stopped praying for peace with him. I stopped wanting explanations. I stopped trying to explain feelings hoping for understanding. This break-up had a script in my head. I’ve been writing it for months. There could be no other reason for me not shooting this wounded horse except for wanting to enjoy the upper hand a bit longer. I almost understood why he kept me around for so long now. The power of having someone trip and fall over you. It cooled the blood in my veins. I contemplate even answering the call but I couldn’t let an opportunity for him to hear joy in my voice pass. Joy that we were both aware he had no part of. Hi. Where are you? Oh, what you got going on for the night? With girlfriends? Why don’t you stop by after? Since when do you care if it’s late? Call me back and let me know. CLICK.

I make eye contact with myself in the rearview mirror. A smile settles in the corners of my mouth and dribbles a bit on my chest.