The Cherokee Legend of Two Wolves
The Struggles Between Our Two Natures
The Legend
What would you tell your son or daughter if he/she came in frustrated and full of anger at a friend? How would you respond if your child said, “I am so mad at my friend for doing what he did”?
How do you react when your son struggles with his angry emotions?
The Cherokee Indian legend of Two Wolves is not just a tale but a profound metaphor for the most significant battle we all face: the struggle between our positive and negative thoughts. This struggle is particularly relevant in the context of child development and nurturing positive behavior in children.
Here is the legend.
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he told the boy. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego. The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is happening inside you and every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it briefly and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old chief simply replied, “The one you feed.”
This parable seeks to explain the spiritual struggle we all face. The Bible also deals with this struggle. “Flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another” (Gal 5:16–17).
Our children and teens can struggle to find their identity and their choices regarding which path to follow.
What do we do as parents?
As parents, we hold a crucial role in nurturing ‘the good (virtuous) wolf’ in our children. This role begins in their early years and continues as they grow.
How do we feed the good wolf?
We help our children and teens’ self-esteem by recognizing their positive behaviors daily. All too often, we can be so consumed by what our child is doing wrong that we ignore the numerous more things they do right.
Is negative behavior ever addressed?
In child therapy, the negative behavior a child is displaying is addressed. However, focusing primarily on the negative can lead to poor self-esteem and reinforce unwanted behavior.
Feeding the “bad wolf” by constantly harping on our kids’ shortcomings, we can teach them to label themselves “bad kids.” Kids can then feel open to playing the part by continuing the very behaviors we are trying to stop.
We can foster a cycle of positive behavior by actively acknowledging and appreciating our child’s positive actions, such as setting the table without being asked or helping their sibling. This approach increases the likelihood of them continuing these good deeds.
Noticing our children’s good behavior can be as simple as giving them a hug and telling them we are proud of them. Research consistently shows that it takes about five positive comments to negate a negative one in a child’s psyche.
Try this challenge. Record for one day how many positive comments/actions you direct towards your child compared to negative ones.
Do you meet the rule of 5 to 1? Think about how to change your negative comments into positive remarks.
It is important to note that a child’s or teen’s negative behaviors often express something else going on in their lives. Something that they don’t know quite how to communicate, such as trauma, loss, or issues at school. Feeding their “good wolf” will only strengthen your relationship with your child, increasing your communication about important issues that might be troubling them.
Challenges of focusing on the good wolf.
It can be challenging to learn to focus on the positive and feed that “good wolf” when your child or teen is being disobedient or engaging in other harmful behaviors. But remember: at a very young age, the battle is brewing between the two wolves in your children. Recognizing the right things they do will ensure that the virtuous wolf wins over time.
Our negative thoughts can create anxiety, anger, resentment, jealousy — an array of emotions. Negative thinking is every day. However, suppose this way of thinking dominates. In that case, it can lead to depression and self-destructive behavior like addictions, derailing us from what we want most in life. At a minimum, negative thinking saps our energy, erodes our self-confidence, and can put us in a bad mood. Indeed, many would agree that our thoughts come and go so quickly that it seems impossible to notice them. Still, we can redirect our negative thoughts to more positive ones with awareness and self-compassion.
Our thoughts can be our greatest adversaries, but we have the power to manage them. The next time a negative thought arises, catch it and ask yourself, ‘What is this thought doing for me?’ You’ll realize that it’s only disempowering you. You can regain control and feel more empowered by redirecting your focus to something positive and cultivating gratitude.
Managing our thoughts can help us achieve greater peace, confidence, and a more positive outlook. This battle can be won because we have the power of choice!
Biblical References for Struggles
In Romans 7:14–25, Paul discusses his struggles with his waging wars within himself: “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” And he says, “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing.”
Paul goes on in Romans 8 to provide the solution. Paul tells us to turn to the help provided by the Holy Spirit. The indwelling Holy Spirit is God’s provision to allow us to live a healthy life.
We are children of God, and it is God who works in us to will and act according to His good purpose. (Philippians 2:13)
Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as, in fact, you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
This content is accurate and true to the best of the authors’ knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2024 Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin
