“Everything is Food”: Posts From My Dog’s Food Blog

Small Garden Lizard

I love to forage for my meals. I find that food tastes better freshly plucked from the garden and carried alive and wriggling into the family TV room. Small garden lizards are best enjoyed tossed around until their insides ooze out. Then I like to suck out their tiny lizard parts like succulent bone marrow, but I’m weird like that. Others may prefer to bite right in pulling lizard flesh apart from lizard bone. I like to leave its amphibian skin husk dangling from my beard where my owner can find it.

An Ice Cube

A stray ice cube is such a great summertime treat. Why do they slide around like that? Why do they disappear when I finally catch them and lick them? Why are they cold? I’ll never know the answer to any of questions and that’s the main reason I like ice: what is it?! Where did it come from?

Jacuzzi Water Licked From My Human Uncle’s Hairy Legs

Have you ever freaked out because you realize your water bowl is running low, and then moments later, your human uncle comes through the back door fresh out of the hot tub? This happened to me recently and I felt like the luckiest dog in the small dog run. Hot tub water is a refreshing beverage at any hour, but when you lick it off of hairy, thick Italian calves it really adds a texture. It’s also a real thirst quencher- nothing like hot chlorinated water to get your evening going into high gear. I recommend you chase your uncle around the house licking his legs for freshness.

Local Long Island Gangly Spider

I love a spider as much as the next Schnauzer, but this variety of Long Island spider is my new favorite indulgence. I like to stalk these and bat them around with my nose before snatching them up off the deck. It has a freakish bean shaped body and three inch long threadbare legs. Yum! A true delicacy.

Street Meat

I’m a huge fan of street meat, even if it gives me gastrointestinal pain and discomfort to the tune of a $546 vet bill every single time I eat it. By Street meat I mean any piece of meat found on the street. And of course, New York city does it best: stepped on half quesadillas, a straight-up raw chicken breast hiding in the brush discovered on my evening relief walk, and of course, any and all bones. A personal favorite: unidentifiable organ meat that makes my owner gag when I finally heed her command to “drop it.” New York is really a canine gastronomical paradise whose sidewalks are slick with the most expensive food castoffs and pools of the richest cooking grease if you know where to look. I like to finish off my street meat with a classic NYC dish: a big slurp of sidewalk crack puddle, which usually leads to giardia and bloody stool but whatever!

Rat Poison

Rat Poison is such a fun snack after a day of travelling- I like to fish these out from behind bureaus in rental houses on vacation an hour after we arrive. I tear open the pouch and chow down on the chalky looking pellets inside. I truly adore the mouth feel of this snack- the pellets have a satisfying crunch. I find the flavor sings with the chemical allure of poison masked to be pleasing. It’s not too cloying. I like to time my snack right when my owner is settling down in pajamas with a cup of tea. After your owner hears you crunching away, they will immediately freak out, start sweating profusely, and drive you to the emergency vet during a blizzard. There, your second course is served: they’ll fill your tummy with delicious charcoal and give you Vitamin K pills. It’s really three meals in one!