Your Morning Resistance Routine For The Trump Presidency

8AM: Wake up. Massage jaw to release tension from grinding.

8:05AM: Write in dream journal. Another “a giant anthropomorphized Flaming Cheeto is trying to grab my privates and deport me” dream. Wonder what it could mean?

8:15AM: Pick up phone, load news, and exclaim “what fresh hell is this?”

8:30AM: Try to go to Instagram to scroll through cute schnauzer accounts to calm down. Realize they have all become politicized. Even your favorite schnoodle is arranged in an adorable tableau where she’s resisting fascism. Throw phone at wall.

8:35AM: Roll over. Attempt to sleep until roughly election week the year 2020.

9:00AM: Fail. Get out of bed in the pajamas you haven’t taken off since November 8th. Realize they are Hillary Clinton Pajamas from her campaign web store. Gasp. You are also wearing Feel the Bern socks. Get back in bed.

9:02AM: Light stretching.

9:10AM: Drink hot water with lemon slice to aid metabolism.

9:20AM: Refresh news. Punch wall in the same place you punched it last time to minimize damage.

9:21AM: Examine the punched whole in the wall. Take a picture. Note that it looks remarkably like Speaker Paul Ryan.

9:25AM: Drink hot water with lemon and vodka to aid “metabolism.”

9:30AM: Stare at a different wall intensely for seventy-five seconds without blinking. This feeling is the only relief you get all day.

9:31AM: Resist.

9:32AM: Do meditation app. Laugh the whole time because really? You think breathing can save you now? What has breathing every done for anyone?

9:45AM: Eat breakfast I GUESS?!?!?!

10:00AM: Call Congress. Leave another completely deranged message they probably can’t translate through the sobbing. Call back. Leave one civilized message that follows the script you read on one of the thousands of daily resistance emails you furiously subscribed to on November 9th.

10:01AM: Call Paul Ryan’s number. Let the prerecorded message restore your rage reserves.

10:20AM: Remember America. Try to weep. Fail to weep. This failure makes you weep. Success!

10:30AM: Leave for work almost an hour late. Pretend like your mediocre job at a huge corporate company that probably has financial ties to Trump or one of the big bad pipelines has meaning.