18

This is a little over a month overdue.

I’m 18. I wonder what that means for me, really. I’ve never seen birthdays as something worth an elaborate celebration. Mainly because I don’t know what I’ve achieved, turning a year older.

My actual birthday was a real bummer. It wasn’t the people around me. They were perfectly sweet. I just thought a lot, throughout the day, about where I was in life and wondered if it was where I wanted to be. I also kept thinking about the things that are no longer things considered too far away.

Of course, not that I haven’t been thinking about the prospect of university, marriage or starting a family way before today. I just somehow felt as if this milestone came with a clout to my head. I would describe it as a transitional awakening. It was as if I had become painfully aware of the fact that I was indeed turning older, and it didn’t help that the cognizance came in a quarter of a second.

When I turned 17, it was a progress. I understood that I was becoming more and more self-aware. Discovering the nooks and crannies that there was to my personality. My flaws, my strengths, who I was and who I wanted to be. Epiphanies were fun. They were enlightening. I enjoyed myself. I also enjoyed sharing them.

This was just… Different. It wasn’t as enjoyable as I had expected. Come to think of it, it was all so unanticipated that I was a little surprised. I concluded that in my mind, it just clicked that I have to confront all the things I have been sheltered from all my life.

I’m slowing beginning to delve into discovering spirituality, making my own decisions, my own opinions. I don’t want to be a blind follower. Years down the road, no matter my faith, I want to confidently proclaim that I have chosen it for myself.

I’m also plucking up my courage to make mistakes. It’s all part of a learning process, I tell myself. It’s going to be a journey, albeit not always a walk in the park, but I want to take it. Of course I’m scared. I am of most things, anyway. I hate wanting to play it safe all the time. I firmly believe, however, that we can change our stories. Our future is not set in stone. Only if you’re willing to step out of the box you’ve confined yourself within.

With a still, small voice, I summon my courage. I’ll try to pray for it too.

Despite all the struggles, I have to say that I’m really grateful for the life I’ve been given. Stability is something I’ve always taken for granted, just because my family is agonizingly average.

I was really a fool for thinking, “wow. I’m really old.”

I am exploring.

I am learning.

I am growing.

I’ve a long way to go, and I’ve only one request.

If you’re in my life now, and you think you want to stick around for a little longer, can you please be patient with me?

Thank you, I appreciate you so much and I will make it up to you next time.