Apples: A Story by Jian Ghomeshi

Brought to you by CBC News and the great country of Canada.

You are a person and you like apples. Apples are a great, healthy snack and most people like apples. You are one of those people! You apple-lover! Haha!

One day, someone offers you an apple. You can see the apple in his hand. It is shiny and ripe — as an apple should be. You say yes because, as aforementioned, you god damn LOVE apples. Apples are great. You are great! You are such a great, apple-loving cutie! And here is a great, apple-loving peer of yours, offering you a great apple!

The apple-offerer tosses you the apple when you don’t expect it. It hits you and you drop it, but you pick it up anyways. 5-second rule! Ha!

Later that day, you get a text from the apple-offerer. It reads: “Hey apple-lover, did you like my apple?”

You respond: “Buddy! Great apple! I love apples! Please give me an apple if you have one! Apples are great. You are great because you also like apples. And, in my experience, people who like apples are great.”

The next day, you see the trustworthy Mr. Apple-offerer. You’re excited because, even though your apple was a little bruised and slightly dirty yesterday, you feel pretty confident that your apple buddy is going to give you another, great apple. Yum!

Mr. Apple-offerer comes up to you and punches you in the face.

He knocks you to the ground, he pulls your hair, and he drags you across the floor. He tells you to leave. That you have made him feel bad. That this is your fault. You wonder if it might be and you apologize. You are scared. You leave.

You did not get an apple. It is you that is bruised and dirty.

You ask your friends, your family, the media-at-large, the public, the country in which you live, and the legislation upon which it is built to believe you. Only they can defend you. You ask them to demand recourse for Mr. Apple-offerer’s violent, unprovoked actions.

In unison, they respond, “Why did you text Mr. Apple-offerer for an apple if you didn’t want to get punched in the face, you great, apple-loving apple-lover?”

The End.