apologies

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t respond to your texts. I want to, but I also want to climb Mount Everest and sometimes those things feel the same.

I’m sorry that I keep putting off that lunch. I want to hear about your life and what is happening and about your new job and baby and engagement and that new person you’re dating, but it’s hard to hear those things when I’m not sure why they can’t be mine too.

I’m sorry. That is selfish of me.

I’m sorry that I keep posting on social media. I just want to tell someone things.

I’m sorry that I can’t give you the love you deserve. Someone couldn’t do that for me either and now I’m not sure whose fault any of this is.

I’m sorry that I walked away after you said “amazeballs.” Actually, no, I’m not sorry about that.

I’m sorry that I texted you that weird thing. I was afraid to tell you what I wanted to tell you which is that I want you to spoon me like my couch but like all the time.

I’m sorry that I don’t care about that movie that you care about. I like watching you get excited, though.

I’m sorry that I sometimes panic for no reason. I’m glad that you are patient with me.

I’m sorry that when you called me “woke” it meant more to me than anything has in years and I felt like I’d finally achieved something.

I’m sorry I didn’t say all the things I wanted to say.

I’m sorry that I kissed you.

I’m sorry that I fucked you.

I’m sorry that I scared you.

I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up for you when I thought the host at the restaurant was maybe being racist, but I didn’t hear the whole conversation and so I told myself that I probably heard that one piece wrong and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. That’s not an excuse. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I fucked up that instagram joke. It haunts me.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you. Good enough, funny enough, smart enough, daring enough, clever enough, effusive enough, weird enough, loud enough. I don’t know what it was I was missing, but I sure wish I had it.

I’m sorry that I liked that post of yours from two years ago and then unliked it and you probably totally know it.

I’m sorry that I broke your heart. I owed you better than you got from me. I didn’t know.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t at your wedding. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you how much you were to me until it was too late. I’m sorry that I cried in your hospital room when you expressly told us that shit was unwelcome. I am not sorry that I spent so much money to feel your hand on my shoulder and hear you say you missed me and you loved me.

I’m sorry that my cat peed on my couch and then you sat on it.

I’m sorry that I believed the lie that I was ugly and that I didn’t deserve better. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you how you hurt me. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stop. I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up for myself.

I‘m sorry that my actions do not always line up with my feelings and that has caused pain.

I’m sorry that I love Return of the Jedi and Temple of Doom more than Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I’m sorry that we’re on the planet at the same time and we don’t get to share it.

I’m sorry that I spent one second of our time together wondering what was happening on my phone.

I’m sorry that I am so goddamn sorry.

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