My adventure with Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Lara Croft, star of the Tomb Raider videogames and films, recently hired me as an Assistant Tomb Raider. This is the story of our first adventure together.

After the plane crash, I awoke on the beach. Lara was already making a fire and building a shelter to protect us from the coming storm.

“Alright, stay here. I’m going to try and find some food,” Lara said, “don’t touch anything.”

Lara returned soon after, arms full of various roots, berries, and a couple of rabbits.

“What the hell happened to the shelter?” Lara shouted.

“No one can really be sure. There was a fire, there was a shelter, now there’s a shelter on fire,” I replied. “There’s no way of knowing what really happened.”

The shelter was completely burned down, and the foundation of the fire destroyed. It wasn’t my fault, really, which is why I told Laura there’s no way of knowing what happened. But, basically, what happened was that I was trying to climb a tree to get a coconut, because I wanted to see if it was really so hard to break them open. I fell out of the tree and onto the shelter, and the shelter fell into the fire, and it burned down and destroyed the fire. But, hey, the coconut broke open! So I guess, in a way, I was successful.

“Anthony, if we’re going to get off this island, I need you to stay focused. I need you to listen to me.”

“Lara, do you want some coconut juice? It tastes just awful. Wait, what were you saying?”

Due to the unavoidable destruction of our shelter, Lara said we needed to keep moving.

“If we stay in one place, we’re sure to be killed.”

“Right. How far are we gonna have to go? I mean, this is a big island…”

Lara ignored me and trudged on. In a way, I admired her. She knew what we needed to do and she would stop at nothing to accomplish it. But, in another way, I was very annoyed that she was ignoring me.

“Ok, Anthony, the first thing we need to do is make some weapons. I’ve got some spare string. If we collect some solid wood, we can fashion some bow and arrows.”

“I’ve got some solid wood for you!” I shouted. Lara didn’t hear me, so I shouted it again. A nearby monkey threw a coconut at my head.

“Just please gather the wood,” Lara said.

I set off in search of this “wood” of which Lara spoke. I could tell Lara was not impressed with my performance so far, so I decided to step it up. I was going to find the best damn wood anyone’s ever found!

“Anthony, this is the worst wood anyone’s ever found.”

“Listen, I know it’s a little wet. And no single piece is long enough to create a bow. And, even if it wasn’t wet, it’s probably the weakest wood on this island,” I said. “But it kinda reminded me of myself, you know? It’s like A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

“Shut up. This is not Charlie Brown Christmas. We are going to die if you don’t get your shit together. Now, did you gather anything besides the wood?”

“Yes! I grabbed a bunch of these mushrooms.”

“DO NOT EAT THOSE. They’re not poisonous, but they will cause severe hallucinations.”

“Lara, what do you think I am, stupid?” No response from Lara. “But, hypothetically, would it be the worst thing in the world if I ate somewhere between 5 and 40 of them?”

Lara began crafting the bows. The way she worked the wood was awe-inspiring. So graceful, and yet savage in a way. Like a ballerina with a chainsaw.

“Here Lara, let me help you.” I slid my arms around hers, helping her shape the wood to the proper curvature.

The bow instantly snapped. I got an enormous sliver and began to cry, in a powerful way.

“Lara, will you pull the sliver out?” I said sheepishly.

“Did you just baa at me?” she replied.

“Nay,” I said.

As night approached, we (Lara) found a small cave that would serve as our shelter for the night. We (Lara) built a fire for warmth. We (me) told jokes to lighten the mood.

“Hey Lara, you want to order room service?” I said, pretending to dial a rock like a phone. “I hear the coconut shrimp is delicious.”

“How in the hell did you get this job?” asked Lara.

“Sorry?” I said. I didn’t hear Lara’s question, I was still doing the room service bit.

“How did you get this job as a tomb raider? Not to be rude, but you seem horrifically underqualified.”

“Oh! It’s a funny story actually. I thought the application said ‘Tome Reader’, and so I sent in my resumé. You see, I have a background in writing and editing…”

“You applied for the job because you thought it said ‘Tome Reader’?” asked Lara.

“Correct!” I confirmed.

“You applied for a job whose sole qualification, you thought, was to read. And you misread the job title.”

“C’est la vie!” I mispronounced.

It was time to get some sleep. Tomorrow would be a long day, Lara assured me.

“Lara, are you cold?” I asked.

“Yes. It’s freezing.”

“Me too. Maybe we should huddle together for warmth.”

“I’ll survive.”

“No, seriously Lara. This isn’t anything sexual,” I said, masking my enormous erection with a small leaf. “If we’re gonna survive this we have to do whatever it takes, including touch each other.”

Lara hesitated, and also vomited. After several minutes of exasperated grunting, she acquiesced. Lara curved her body into mine.

“Actually, do you mind if I be little spoon?” I asked.

I awoke the next morning to the smell of cooked rabbit.

“Wow, I never knew burnt hare could smell so good!” Wow, I had just woken up and I’m already throwing zingers.

“Just please eat so we can keep moving. I saw a tomb near here. I think it’s time for our first raid.”

“I tell you, with all these bugs out here, I wish we had some Raid.” Two zingers before breakfast is done? Slow down Anthony!

A poisonous bug bit me and I immediately passed out.

After the bug’s poison wore off, and the hallucinogenic mushrooms wore off, Lara and I headed into the nearby tomb. It was massive, and cavernous.

“It’s a cave,” said Lara, “you can’t describe it as cavernous. That’s redundant. Also you already said it was massive, so you shouldn’t also say it’s cavernous. They mean essentially the same thing.”

I decided to stop letting Lara read my diary.

High atop a ledge, Lara and I saw a treasure chest overflowing with gold coins, jewelry, and other relics.

“Wow Lara, and I thought yours was the best chest I would see on this island!” Lara turned swiftly with her torch and nearly lit me on fire, but at the last second stopped for some reason. Probably the reason was I started crying and shouting “Don’t burn me! Don’t burn me!”

“Anthony, we need to get up to that ledge somehow. Start looking around for a way to climb up there.”

Before us in the tomb was a large crate, suspended from the ceiling via rope. Next to the crate was an unlit lantern, also hanging from the ceiling, perfectly positioned to swing into the rope holding the crate. It was clear what we needed to do.

“Lara, this is impossible, let’s give up,” I said.

“Are you daft?” said Lara. I might be, I don’t know what that word means. Handsome, maybe? “This is a simple puzzle. We just need to light that lantern and swing it towards the crate. The rope will burn, the crate will drop, and we’ll be able to reach the treasure.”

Oh yeah, sounds real simple Lara.

“Here, hold this torch.” Lara handed me her torch, then notched an arrow in the bow we (Lara) made. She held the tip in the torch until it lit on fire. She took careful aim toward the lantern.

BOOM. She hit it right dead center and it ignited. I bet her my half of the treasure that she couldn’t do it behind her back, but she refused. The force of the arrow striking the lantern caused it to swing pendulum-like into the crate’s rope. It caught fire, and as it burned the crate dropped onto the cavern floor.

Lara climbed onto the crate gracefully. I climbed onto it…less gracefully, with a lot of grunting and some help from Lara.

“Hey, that arrow thing was a ‘crate’ idea, Lara,” I joked. Lara stared at me for several seconds, probably trying to control her baser urges. She hopped onto the ledge with ease and began to examine the treasure.

“Lara, could you just throw my half down to me?” I asked.

“My god. This treasure’s got to be 800, 900 years old. This is incredible. The archaeological value of it is immeasurable,” said Lara.

“Ok, but if you had to measure the moneyological value, what would that number be?” I asked subtly.

As we sorted through the treasure, I spotted something nearby that was more beautiful than any gold piece. It was a huge wooden statue, with huge wooden boobs. I simply had to have it.

“Dibs on the boob statue!” I called out. Lara didn’t seem disappointed so much as disgusted and offended. I grabbed the statue and dragged it all the way back to our cavern. Well, actually, I got tired halfway through and asked Lara to drag it for awhile. While she dragged it, I touched the boobs to see if they felt like real boobs. Someday I’ll find out.

When we returned to our shelter with the treasure, I wanted to swim around it like Scrooge McDuck, but Lara said that we still needed to find a way off the island. Sounds like Lara is a little more of a ‘Scrooge’ than she thought.

“Look, I think there’s a radio on the plane. If we can go back to the crash site, I could try to get it working and we could contact someone to rescue us,” said Lara.

“Lara, I’m not a scientist like you. You’re going to have explain things in simpler terms. What in the hell is a ‘radio’?” I said.

We headed back to the crash site. For fun, I pretended to reenact the crash.

“Hey Lara, look at this!” I stretched out my arms to mimic the airplane, made some zooming noises, and ran headfirst into a tree. A coconut fell from the tree and hit me in the head. It didn’t break though, so the results of my coconut test are inconclusive at best. Hey! Maybe I was a scientist after all.

“I’ve found the radio!” shouted Lara. Whoopee, I thought, and said aloud. You want a medal for finding a radio? Well, I don’t have one. Although, I could probably melt down some of the treasure we found and make it into a medal. I decided, when we got back to land, to make Lara a medal. She was helping me out a lot, after all.

We brought the radio back to our cavern home. While Lara fiddled with it, I took a look around. This cavern, dim and damp as it was, wasn’t really such a bad shelter. With a little sprucing up, maybe a nice sofa and a solid oak door, I could really see myself settling down here. I began to imagine my life here with Lara. We’d spend our days swimming in the ocean, raiding tombs, and trying to teach the monkeys on the island to communicate. After a delicious dinner of cooked fish and coconut juice, we would settle in by the fire and read my diaries together, or maybe look at the treasure we found. Lara would explain the origins of each piece, and I would pretend to listen while planning new methods of monkey communication. Maybe life on this island wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“Hey, Lara, call me crazy, but what if we never left this island? What if we just stayed here together and made a life for ourselves, away from all the hustle and bustle of the big city?”

Lara grabbed the radio frantically. “Mayday, mayday, emergency. This is Lara Croft, we are stranded on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. We need rescue immediately. IMMEDIATELY.”

I guess Lara wasn’t ready for such a big commitment so soon. That’s fine, I thought. Maybe she’ll soften up once I give her that medal.

A voice came on the other end of the radio.

“Hello? This is the U.S. Coast Guard, did you say you need rescue?”

“Yes!” said Lara. “Thank you so much! We’re on a small island just off the coast of Hawaii. Please send help.”

“We will send a rescue plane right away. Could you light a signal fire so we can spot you?”

“Absolutely,” replied Lara. “Thank you so much.”

“Lara, how are we going to create a signal fire large enough for a plane to see?” I asked.

Lara said nothing, but turned her gaze toward my boob statue. At first, I thought she was just admiring it, but then I caught on.

“Lara, you can’t. That’s my boob statue. It’s the most important thing in the world to me.” I pleaded.

“It’s the only way,” she said. I took a deep breath and shed a single tear.

“Let’s do it on the beach. She would’ve wanted that.” I gave the boobs one last squeeze before we carried my statue to its final resting place.

I looked around on the beach and saw a lot of palm trees. Like, it was kind of unbelievable that Lara didn’t see all these palm trees before and think to burn them.

“Lara, we don’t have to burn my statue! We can use the palm trees!”

Lara didn’t hear me and held a torch to the base of the statue. It burned slowly and brightly. At least she died a noble death, saving my and Laura’s lives.

“I always told her she was the hottest thing I’d ever seen. Now, I guess it’s really true.” This eulogy I gave was so heartfelt that Lara began to gag. I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her and she let it all out. Lara gagged so hard she vomited. I was glad I could be there for her in this tough time.

Suddenly, we heard a plane overhead. It was landing on our island! It just goes to show that with a little teamwork, anything can happen.

We boarded the plane and thanked the pilot. As he took off, I took one last look at my statue, burning brightly for all the world to see. It crumbled into many pieces. Then, a monkey came by and peed on it. The fire went out, and a bundle of snakes began making love on top of it.

Lara laid back in her seat, exhausted. I covered her with a blanket I found.

“Anthony, that’s a parachute, and now we are screwed if we have to jump out of this plane,” Lara said.

“Shh.” I put my finger to her lips. “Now is the time for rest Lara. You need to be ready for our next adventure.” I tried to wink, but I ended up opening my eyes even wider. I think she got the message.

“You’re fired, Anthony. You are woefully underprepared for a job like this. We nearly died at every turn because of your incompetence. I can honestly say I’ve never had a worse tomb raiding partner.”

Well, I guess someone wasn’t going to get a medal after all.

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